Welcome 2 My BloG-rants of a lesbians ttc & a cancer patient

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2007-05-17T17:59:00.000-04:00

It's one thing I wish the world did not revolve around......people say that money can't buy you happiness, but it can sure buy a lot of fucking things that can make you happy can't it? Money would make me happy because I could pay off our credit card debt and our house and not have to worry about CANCER or BIOLOGICAL clocks TICKING.

So far, I have paid down our cc debt by 5K. Dawn got a new job, which is the awesomo 5000, however, I am still trying to get a raise from my boss, who is really a nice but, but is not the best when it comes to being a manager.

That's it for now......ugh......

ID Consent Donor 2703 is the wave of the future

2007-02-25T21:32:00.000-05:00

So we've decided that is the way to go, no wavering in the wind, no contemplating second base, the decision is final, we're not going to worry about the known donor deal, because all in all, we should have thought through it better, and really made a better decision overall before we consulted him. I apologize for even asking him to consider the option.

Sperm~~~~~~~~O not a lesbian's best friend or is it?

2007-02-24T01:47:00.000-05:00

I never thought as a lesbian I would think so much about sperm. Two days ago, we purchased two vials of IUI and IVF sperm for a grand fee of $635.00 from Fairfax Cryobank from donor 2703. See said picture to the right. Isn't he adorable? big ears and rubber ducky and all? Yes I think he is now that I look at this picture. He got 1380 on his SATs afterall. Anyway, as if we don't have the following factors to complicate things more:

we're an interracial couple
Dawn's diabetes
my previous chemotherapy
my colon cancer genetic mutation
my previous surgery
my previous cancer history
my current cancer risk and need for a hysterectomy because of the cancer gene
we're lesbians
our age
Dawn's job-she works in a warehouse and does heavy lifting and in production installing cables and what nots
cost of getting pregnant her insurance will not cover for same sex couples, only if she is with a male partner
our known donor, we'll call him T for now, we asked him some months ago, he never gave us an answer, and today he tells us yes.

He says yes, after I've already ordered whitey. T is black, he already has two children, if we went with T, we would not need to come out of 20K out of pocket right off the bat automatically, we would just try with my eggs and do cycles of IUI and utilize my insurance benefits and hope that it covers that, I have 10K of coverage. We risk the chances of never getting pregnant, chemo has had to of affected my eggs/ovaries. Also, with him, the chances do not increase, because it would not be fresh, we'd have to get his stuff frozen, and then it would involve attorney's and how much we would pay him. I have already seen his ex wife in public and his children and I feel extremely weird and odd around them, like I am a home wreaker or something, I know that sounds odd, but that's how I feel.

I asked Dawn tonight why she wanted to have a child, she told me because she wanted to see "us" in it. I could not anwser her, other than to have someone to leave our house and assets to and that's not a reason to have a child. Part of me feels that I could be perfectly happy being the Aunt my whole life, I enjoy getting Jordan and spending time with her and being a major part of Haley, Dawn and Shawna's lives, everyone tells me that I would make a great mother, but I don't know if motherhood is for me really. I don't want to be 50 and wishing I would have had a child is all. Where's that instruction booklet to life when you need it?

If stress is a killer, how come I am not dead yet? Same soup different bowl

2007-02-22T12:18:00.000-05:00

Ugh, I need a vacation, from everyone, just to get away....literally. I have had a rough year so far. Classes started, I missed one whole week, my father had a minor heart procedure, his car dies, heater goes up for a day, has to stay with me for a night, my sister and I got him a new car from my other sister, i took off a half day from work today to catch up on school and to get his car changed over for him, I did my nieces taxes with her, our taxes got hosed by the tax lady, of which, I caught the error, I am going to call the IRS to double check on that one. I am not a happy camper. I ordered sperm yesterday from the cryobank and then felt like I was going to throw up afterwards. It was an odd feeling. 635 dollars later, we have some swimmers on ice. 2 vials of an ID consent donor with an SAT score of 1380 and a high school gpa of 3.91 and a college gpa of 3.40 so he can't be too dumb. We're going to use Dawn's eggs, and my uterus, hopefully if all goes well. I go to the doc today to talk about more or less chemo :-), the possibility of whatever this bloodly phelgm is and getting the fucking mediport taken out, before september of this year, because heparin and babies don't mix. I am down to about 174. I started back on the weight loss plan. Dawn has gained about 6 pounds of the 30 she's lost.

I am so stressed about everything. I am sick of being everyone's back bone. I really am. It's so deafing and draining.ugh.......well ta ta for now, I am off to the doctors and to get my father to help him out, same soup different bowl!

Valentines Day, 30, Wicked and More, oh my!

2007-02-20T18:12:00.000-05:00

Valentines Day was nice, my sweetie got me those, which was a very pleasant surprise. I went to work that morning and found those, along with season 1 and 2 of crank yankers on my desk, a nice cheesecake, and a card with 50 bucks in it for me.

The weekend came quickly, as usual I am severly busy, but I guess that's better than sitting around with my thumb up my ass?

Friday night she threw me a surprise birthday party for my 30th birthday, let's just say I made out like a champ with regards to all the money and cards I got. I was able to get myself some new things-clothes wise, without having to worry about feeling quilty about buying it afterwards, if I had spent our money to do so, especially when I am trying desperately to get us out of some of the debt we are in, mind you now, I have paid of 2500 worth of debt in January, so I'll give myself some kudos for that one! :-) go me!

Saturday we went to see Wicked, it was fabulous. I would go see it again, however, I would get better seats and I would go to an earlier show, just because with finishing up chemotherapy, taking 3 classes, working full time, and taking care of my father too, it's a lot and it's starting to take it's toll. I was really irked with mini about a few things. I really wonder if she really appreciates all the things we do for her. Okay I will stop the bitching here, and get off so I can mark some of the 67 items on my to-do list off. God love the queen and all that good stuff. Amanda if you're reading I hope you feel better, and Rich-sorry I missed our birthday, and I am sending you a happy belated now!

Dear God, it's me Weight Watchers Again & NY Resolutions

2007-01-02T17:14:00.000-05:00

I am starting back on ww, at 182.0 lbs there is no excuse for me. I weigh too much, I would like to lose 52 pounds and get down to 130. I am not sure what I would look like at 130, Mary Kate, Ashley, Nicole Richie? I dunno, but it's worth getting this weight off for several reasons, please review:

Decreases my risk of cancer coming back
I can wear ALL the clothes in my closet and not just those in the fat section
I will be healthier
Save money on eating out and decrease my exposure to smoke (sorry smokers, no offense)
The sex will be better
I will be able to get out of my own way.

So far I am doing well, I only have been on plan for two days and I am managing, I am trying to curb my hunger, which is customary for switching back to weight watchers and getting off caffeniene.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!

Pay off a lot of debt, and when I say a lot I mean double digit debt above 20K-long story on that one. This will be done by the end of the year, or I will cut my hands off so I cannot use my credit cards anymore.
Lose weight-see I am accomplishing NY Resolutions while at the same time multi-tasking.
Refinance our house
Finish Associates Degree, continuing with Bachelors, already started at UMUC, it is a long heart wrenching process because I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
Get pregnant, find a donor, and figure out whose eggs we're using.
Solve world hunger, create peace and reinstate the garbage pale kid stickers that were so hot in the 90's.
That's it.

I decided that world hunger and peace could wait for last because it's going to take a while to solve those and I have to accomplish my own goals and solutions to my problems before I can solve everyone elses.

Migraines, I've had one everyday this year, and one on the last day of the year, will they ever go away? I'd guess the chance of that is the chance that a frog has wings, you know, so he won't bump his ass everytime he hops.

Message from the Known Donor and CEA Levels

2006-12-30T11:50:00.000-05:00

He stated he did not forget about us and that he just wanted to let us know that, that he was still thinking about it and that he had talked with his ex wife and was going to talk with his 12 year old daughter this weekend coming up I guess. I don't think he will say yes. If he did that would be nice, but it's also filled with hurdles, like timing and ovulation, lawyers and whether or not to do home inseminations which would be more convenient, but maybe not as productive. If I were to go to the doc's it would cost 350 per insem, but we would be able to use fresh sperm and that would pose the obstacle of getting it to the doc's fast enough so the swimmers don't die, and of course getting him, which would be during the daytime and conflict with his schedule at work which we do not want to compromise. What to do, what to do? Sometimes I wish it would be easier, sometimes I wish we were the same color so donor selection wouldn't be such a thought process, sometimes I wish we were younger, shit sometimes I wish I were a man so I could get her pregnant. Dawn pregnant would be a sight now.

So yesterday I went to the doc's, my onocologist, who still isn't worried about the weight gain from the chemo, I am, now at 181.5, my highest in my entire life. He wants me to do two more cycles of chemo. I do not, perhaps I will do faux chemo, where he thinks I am doing it, but I am not. I asked him about my port, I can get that removed 6 months after my chemo stops, which really wouldn't be if I were to get pregnant in between that time. Then he stated I would do scans every six months which elated me because I was worried they were going to settle for yearly. Then he told me that my CEA level was normal, absolutely 0! It's never been zero, always like 2.5 or 3, so something is working huh? I am really excited about that. I hope it stays at bay, now if I can just get this weight off. He also asked me when I was going to have the hysterectomy because of the mutation.

If we were to try to have a child, amidst the problems we are having off and on, I would need to lose about 40 or so pounds, be out of surgery at least a year, that happens at the end of March, and be chemo free for three months, so even if he were to say yes, we would not start trying for baby until June of 2007 probably. I figure if I start in January I could probably lose 40 pounds by June of next year, that would get me ready for baby. I don't think my body can tolerate a lot of weight, I feel like I am in my own way now, I have a mini double chin and my boobs are a DD now. I hate that, they never seem to go away. I would also need to thoughtfully consider using my own eggs again, for awhile I'd grown comfortable not worrying about being genetically attached to the child, but now I am worried about being genetically attached to the child, what if chemo did something to my eggs? What if I pass on this mutation, with a 50% chance of doing so, I don't want to spread this gene down the family tree more than it already has been. Needless to say we and I have lots to consider for the upcoming year.

Ta ta for now.

Christmas Dinner, tidyings of comfort, but not joy?

2006-12-26T17:05:00.000-05:00

Oh boy, where do I begin? well let me tell you, we were expecting about 32 people. We had about 35-40 here. It was rough, tense and nerve racking with the sounds of 13 year old boys playing with younger boys and dragging them on the upgraded hardwood floor we paid for in the foyer, or how about the lingering garage door, always ajar? I asked 5 people to close the door, and they didn't, one person even walked by and looked at it open and didn't do anything. I was really irritated and screeked out, can someone close the GD door? They all just stopped and looked at me, I did not care. I didn't want everyone here at one time, Dawn is oblivious to all of this, as usual.
I have several reasons for ill regard towards her family and up until this year, I never had a reason to not like them. I have always went out of my way to do things for them, for example, I always send all the nieces and nephews baskets of goodies, all like 13-15 of them for Easter, Halloween, Christmas, and Valentines Day. I even put together goodies during back to school time and send it to them, to the point where even one of them asked if they could give us one of the children's school list for that year, talk about being ungrateful.
I don not like the Christmas season because of how commerical it has become, it's not about that, if we got back to what the true meaning of it was, regardless of the religion you practice, we would not have all this credit card debt as consumers into the next year, okay that's my rant. I will stop there, not like I am one to talk either, I have a ton of cc debt, we didn't have any until we moved into this house.
Dawn and I have been having a rocky time in our relationship, it's not her, it's me. I am a little crazy, depressed and psychiotic I think...just a bit. I get easily irritated with her and her empathy towards planning stuff, etc., basically, we have a great sex life, except I always initiate, we don't have a terrible financial life and I do everything besides take the trash to the dump, the maintenance on the vehicles and hanging stuff around the house, like pictures, blinds etc.
I do the laundry, grocery shopping, coupon clipping, house shopping, decorating for the holidays, buying the gifts for the holidays, baking for the holidays, planning all the holidays, trips, outtings, financial planning, taxes, etc., I am sick of doing everything. If I wanted to do everything wouldn't I be by myself? Now I realize that some are better than others at these sorts of things, however, I do feel that there can be a ying and a yang, and lately our ying is yanged!

Why do I have to do everything? It's annoying, it's time consuming. I really have felt that I have learned a lot from having cancer. Not to take life for granted, to realize that the best things in life are truly those that cannot be bought with money, even as cliche as that may sound, and that you really need to evaluate what you want to do and how you want to spend your life, everyday for the rest of it. Nothing is guaranteed. I've decided that death and illness happen to make us realize how important life is. I now know how it feels to be a caregiver, survivor, patient and motherless daughter from this disease. I know that I love Dawn, but I don't know if I am in love with Dawn, however, with that said, is it possible to stay in love with someone over time? I don't think it is, I think you fall in to it and then it becomes a maintenance cycle after that, I don't think it's a continuum. I don't think there is anyone person for anyone. I feel that a person can have multiple mates at any given time in their life. People change over time with growth, so do their wants, needs and expectations. I feel I've had several "soul mates", both male and female in my life over time. I don't know what will come of the two of us, but I am willing, at this time to do something about it or at least try to for now.

Woman's Best Friend and Domestic Partners

2006-12-23T00:05:00.000-05:00

Today I picked Drew up from the vet. She had a syncope episode earlier this week and they wanted to do a blood pressure on her, a sonogram of her heart and an EKG, she also had some radiographs of her belly.

$544. 00 later, she has heart failure and has a new medicine as well as some prescription dog food. After I wiped the vaseline from my buttocks and got over the soreness of being stuck with a stiff one, I was ready to take my baby home. She's doing a little better so far, the doc said she could live for years like this if she responds well to medication, if not, she may only live months.

Domestic Partners-Tonight is Friday night, it's rainy, nasty and cold outside, like one of those afternoons when you were younger and got home from school and just wanted to go home and read something and eat grilled cheese sandwiches, however, after our mini party tonight for a close friend that just achieved her master's degree, she decided to go out to the bar. I dropped her off at 10:30, the club doesn't close until 1:30, so I assume I will be getting her then.

I get irked about her wanting to go to the bar, I think some of this might be because of the whole ordeal of having a an alcoholic father, also the fact that I feel like why would she not want to stay home and spend the time with me? I know that at times I am unbearable, and all, but I have been getting a little complacent in our relationship.

I am tried of always putting forth the effort, I don't know how I will or can handle her famliy and their balant disrespect of me and the fact that we're together in not so many ways. We've recently asked a friend to be a known sperm donor for us, but we're thinking that maybe it's not such a good idea, or at least I am. Part of me thinks that Dawn and I aren't meant to have kids, we've had a lot of obstacles in trying to achieve this, so maybe it's just not meant to be.

Sometimes I wonder where I'd be without Dawn, just because I feel like I've lost some of myself with being with her, but isn't that normal? I don't know anymore.

I know I am tried of being the one that always tries to do romantic or nice things or always being the "gas" in the relationship. Dawn is happy with the status quo, she's one to stay the course, whereas, I am one to want to do something to change it for the better or improve in anyway possible.

Sometimes, I just wish I'd dated myself, fucked around, went to school and not stayed so uptight about shit. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the one that worried about everything. Would have, should have, could have? You tell me!

Known Donors and Migraines

2006-12-19T19:11:00.000-05:00

Last night we took Mini to go see RAW at the old MCI center in DC. It wasn't that bad, but OMG this shit is so fake, then I ended up getting a fucking migraine as usual. Today we had a workshop at work and I missed it. I am so fed up with getting sick and getting migraines.

We asked a known donor, a friend of ours, to be our known donor, after reading an article in the Sunday Washington Post about known donors and unknown donors, it made us want one even more, but there are so many things to consider.

We've decided that if he says no, it's meant to be and if he says yes it's meant to be, we're leaving it in God's hands. Something makes me wonder if we're really meant to have kids, I mean we've had so much trouble with donors lately and previously too with the miscarriage two years ago, almost three this January. I mean, are we really meant to have a child? The cancer for me and genetic mutation and then the diabetes for Dawn? We're both tainted.

Then last night Drew had a seizure or so we think, I don't want to put her down but I think sometime next year I may have too, with her cushings and then her respiratory problems and now this. I was really upset on top of having a terrible migraine.

Dawn and I were arguing about her family as usual. Her mother invited one of her nephews, step nephews that we do not keep in touch with, we do not keep in touch with them for a few reasons, they're the type of people that only call you when they want something, there seems to be a lot of them in Dawn's family. She makes excuses for them and for the most part I never feel like she sees my side of the story, but that's beside the point. I dunno. It's going to be real on Christmas Day that's for sure. I am not looking forward to this at all

Family Issues and Sleeping Disorders

2006-12-15T21:54:00.000-05:00

First, let me say that I love Dawn, I totally heart her so, I am just so tired of her being tired all the time and ignoring the fucking family faux paws that do exist.

It's Friday night, we're not doing anything tonight, nothing planned, you know why? Because I did not plan something and also because it's Friday, we're trying to save money, I had a sigmoid done today, etc., there are other underlying factors of why we did not do something today and why we are home, besides the fact that I did not plan something.

I am irritated, she's a sleep. She went to sleep last night at 7:15 or so and slept through the night, I know she works hard and gets up early and all that stuff, but she's had this tired issue her whole life. I wonder how things will be different when we have a child or if it will be with regard to this and her inputs.

I am also irritated by the constant family issues with her side of the family, which I won't go into on here for privacy issues, but it's annoying and I am tried of being annoyed, I don't know.

Debt

2006-12-11T23:03:00.000-05:00

It totally sucks to be in it. I don't know what happened at the beginning of the year, we were well on our way, new house, money in the bank and no debt, now a year later, here we are, I am determined to work on that continuously to get us out and to get us some babies this upcoming year, in addition to losing weight!

Nothing but good times ahead thank God!

Cancer and Chemo Free, it's all downhill from here

2006-12-08T21:50:00.000-05:00

I am cautiously optimistic. I had a petscan done last week, last Saturday to be exact, looking for any new cancer or any of the lingering old, it came back CLEAN! I am so estatic about the good news. I've decided to stop the Xeloda, I've taken a total of three months chemotherapy, which traditionally for my type of cancer, stage IIA colon, you don't typically do chemo, specifically when it did not spread to the lymph nodes. I must say I've been totally blessed and thankful that this year has been so wonderful. Sure, I had my entire large intestine and appendix removed, but I had a great surgeon, my recovery wasn't so bad, I was only out of work for four months, and I worked about 1.5 of that while I was out.

Dawn's recently got a raise and so did I. I am determined to get us out of debt and on track.

My insurance covers 10K for fertility as a lifetime. We would like to go to Shady Grove Fertility in Annapolis and do IVF, however, our last consult with them didn't bode well, so we're considering Columbia Fertility Associates in DC. We also chose a donor, a black donor, initially from Fairfax Cryobank, when I was going to carry and use my egg, however, now with my genetic mutation of colon cancer, we've decided not to use my egg, especially since the black donor we selected had a history of colon cancer on his mother's side. We choose a white donor and now I've recently found out that he is on quarantine because some of the offspring he has produced apparently have a medical issue, of which the cryobank will not say.

It's on to new donors? Possibly.

I hope the new year brings new news and tidings of joy and great health.

Amish Communities & Kashi Foods-Neither are related

2006-10-04T12:07:00.000-04:00

So I had my bone scan done on Monday. I am eagerly awaiting the results. I am hoping for the best. I don't know how I will feel if the outcome isn't so. The tech isn't supposed to tell me anything but she stated she didn't see anything and I asked to see the scan too, and I didn't see any hot spots either, but neither of us are radiologists!

The shooting in the Amish community or rather at the school is horrible. My heart goes out to their families, on both sides, the shooters children will forever have this in their family and vice versa. However, that being said, I mean no ill will, but just want to type. I think the Amish are odd people, just for the fact that I've seen documentaries about their inbreeding and marrying of young girls, i.e. 15. If it wasn't for that, I probably wouldn't think that. I know it's not nice to judge, I don't like it when people call me carpet muncher, so I shouldn't do it to others. It could be that I am biased, because I once purchased some cinnamon raise bread from them at the market and broke out in hives. I don't think I am better than them or anything. But I feel the cinnamon bread was a conspiracy!

I am on my lunch break at work enjoying my organic 7 whole grains Kashi on a mission, when the nice aroma fills my cube, then my co-worker sprays freakin' 409 everywhere, now that's all I smell and it's irking me. Bitching stops here---->.

CD if you're reading this, I hope you're doing well.

Girls Night In?

2006-08-26T22:07:00.000-04:00

Lastnight the nieces came over, Hales and Mini to have a drinking binge and to play extreme hide and seek and Marco Polo in the dark. I discovered that my house is entirely too big and has great hiding places. Additionally, mini is hurting right now and I feel bad for her, I really do, I also feel like a bad auntie sometimes. I really need to work on that.

Dark Side of the Moon

2006-08-13T21:55:00.002-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because I don't have the time as much anymore with being back to work and all, Dawn has ball and we've been busy doing things with our life.

I have to blog tonight to get some stuff off my chest. I am so fucking tired of Cancer already. My father is currently undergoing chemotherapy for his stage IIIA colon ca, my uncle, his brother, the best man in the world, is dying of bone cancer and possibly has bladder too. My other uncle, his brother in law, has advanced brain cancer, so within this year, 4 people in my family have had cancer and are on chemo now. I am sick of it already. Out of a family of 8 on my mother's side, 5 have died from cancer and 7 have had it. My dad's dad died of prostate cancer that had mets to the bone, then my uncle, and now my dad's brother in law with brain. We lost my grandmother in Sept of last year, my dad's mom. My mom died 8 years ago this year of colon cancer, what gives? I am so frustrated with this disease!

On top of that, I feel so guilty being around my two uncles because my outcome prognosis and my father's prognosis is better and we have options where they are considered terminal. I also get irked at my father because this man is 71 years old, he was verbally and mentally abusive to my sisters, mom and I for years, he has abused his body significantly with alcohol, etc., and has such a negative attitude and doesn't realize how lucky he has been. Before he started this round of chemotherapy, his only question was whether or not he still drink and how many beers he could have. This is the chemo that I am allergic to and have to wait to see specialists before I can continue my regimen, which will probably be Xeloda. I feel really horrible being around my uncles children knowing he has such a bleak outlook and I am still alive and that I am still alive and my mom isn't.

While I am writing this, I have to say that Dawn came in here, and she knows what's going on and how I feel, yet she came in here and asked me if I feel sexy tonight? WTF, WTDF? (what the double fuck).

to Chemo or Not Chemo?

2006-06-29T20:19:00.000-04:00

I have been racking my fucking brain over this tedious mind-fucking decision. My body is totally ready to quit. I have chemo brain already, only after a few cycles, 1 month of treatment, with 5 to go.

I have good intution, I knew something terrible was going to happen to my health before I found out I had cancer in February, I knew in November something terrible was going to happen, I just didn't know what part of my health would be affected, but I knew it was something. I have been called jokingly a prophet because my intution is usually that fucking good. However, it's null and void when it comes to lotto numbers, I play 217 it comes out 297, etc., I am 1/2 and 1/2 on this one. I don't know whether or not to do or not to do. I dont' know what keeps me going, I guess the fear, and possible guilt that I would have knowing a year from now it came back and I didn't do anything about it. Anything about it, is harsh, I've had my entire large intestine and appendix removed for this, I've gone through 1.5 cycles of chemo, 2nd was a reaction and stopped early. So it's not like I haven't done anything. My tumor was only 3.2 cm and I had the rest of my colon removed prophaylitically so that I would be okay. I keep have these reappearing masses on my ovaries every other month, that appear to be cysts, they're larger than 6 cm, and I have a 60% chance of endometrial cancer, so I guess I should just throw in the towel and say hello hysterectomy?

I hate being in the midst of this, I hate not knowing, I hate having to make this decision, that not only affects me, but Dawn. I wish things were easier, hell, doesn't everybody?

I got in a sort of altercation with the lady at the bean building today. I went in for my pelvic sono, that seemed to simulate a Vaginal War and the tranducer (wand they stick inside of you-very phallic like) is Darth Sidius or something. I had the sono done she told me the right ovary is now clear, the left has a mass. I was worried instantly, wondering, thinking, pondering, jumping to conclusions, is it another cyst, why are they becoming so prominient now, is this a message from my body to demand further follow-up? I go out and ask the lady at the receptionist desk if she can check for me to see if my ct results are back, the abd/pelvic ct that I had done yesterday, she says I have to see my doctor for that. I told her that HIPAA law allows me to request my medical records, regardless of doctor verification at anytime, and they have to produce them for me, she stated that wasn't THEIR policy, I told her that HIPAA policy supercedes THEIRS or they will be in violation of HIPAA, that HIPAA is federal law. Then I proceeded to tell her that they found something on my ultrasound and I wasn't trying to be a bitch, but if she was a cancer patient she would understand. She looked, and said nothing was back yet. She told me Monday would probably be the earliest. I will wait until then, I won't wallow in self pitty and go up there tomorrow like I was, hell I've only had 3 appointments this week and I have another one tomorrow.

Okay I will stop ranting for now, tune in next time as we continue the CHEMO discussion on cdcafe.

Bullshit

2006-06-28T15:56:00.000-04:00

This week has been rough, I had my abd/pelvic ct today, tomorrow I have a sonogram. The doctor called me and told me what's up with Dad.
Kasi got fired from Bjs yesterday, they said it was for under-ringing. So what happens now, she came over lastnight and we helped her as much as possible with looking for another job, it's just bullshit because we just co-signed her lease on her apartment.

Will write more later.......

Dear Cancer

2006-06-24T22:49:00.000-04:00

Why are you doing this to me?
Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
I think you owe me a great big apology!

i really don't know what you mean
seems like salvation comes only in my dreams

my head is filled with disease
my skin is begging you please
i'm on my hands and knees
i want so much to be free

That's from Terrible Lie by NIN, but I feel it accurately describes how I feel and why I feel it. I think cancer patients go through several different emotions, and right now anger is one of mine. I am pissed that this invaded my life and I am angry.

Killing me softly

2006-06-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

I've decided, through a long arduous thought process, that chemo isn't for me. I truly feel it is causing me more harm than good, I am getting a sinus and uti infection after my treatment, each time now, I am on steroids because of the allergic reaction I had to it, which, btw, they told me is very rare, only 1% of the population every experiences that.

I have prayed and prayed on this, asking God for guidance regarding chemo. I felt the allergic reaction was my last straw and my sign. I truly feel it's tearing me down. The oncologists cannot tell me if this will benefit me, so what's the point to keep posioning my body with a substance you're not even supposed to touch with your hands? But yet they're putting it in my body? I always said if I ever had cancer I would not do chemotherapy, well I've given it my best shot for two cycles now, and it's over, I throw up the white flag.

It is day 4 since chemo and I am still not myself. I am lounging around at home, with barely enough energy to go to the bathroom. I don't want to do this every other week for the next six months. People say to me, what's six months compared to a life time? One lady told me she would try harder if she had kids, which she did. It's not that I want to die or I am ready to die. It's not that I am giving up, it's just I feel this method of treatment is not for me.

I go Wednesday to have an abd/pelvic ct and a pelvic sono on Thursday to follow up on my various aliments that have been going on, hopefully I won't get any bad news. I am thinking positive.

On another note, my father is doing better, but probably will not be out of the hospital until later on next week.

In other news, Dawn say a snake in the yard today, now she is freaked about snakes, interesting enough it was by Drew and I had a dream that Drew was going to get bit by a snake, that is why I am incesant upon her taking her out on a leash, this time she did.

Allergic Reaction

2006-06-21T13:51:00.000-04:00

Last night around 5 pm I started getting very nauseated. Around 10 pm I had a severely red face, that was extremely hot to touch, and then my hands and feet starting constricting, I lost my ability to grip in my right hand and dropped my prescription when I had picked it up during the day. My feet and hands were tingling and my lips were numb and tingly, my port was warm to touch, and my heart rate was about 136 per minute. My face was so freakin hot, the EMT touched it and said it felt like I had at temp of 104, yet my temp was only 96.3. I was freezing on my hands and feet. They disconnected the port, after much ado about nothing, and I felt better, today after, getting home from the ER at freakin 4 in the morning, and then I wake up around noon and I am covered in hivey blotches all over my legs and feet. My arms are having crampy pains all the way down them and I had severe joint pain yesterday, even thought I didn't have the neulasta yesterday, which is what they said causes the joint pain.

I called my oncologist, and they want me to come up there today when I go see the other doc about the rectal bleeding today, my oncologist stated he thought I could be allergic to the Oxaliplation or the Zofran, so they didn't want me to take anymore Zofran, I dont' think it's the Zofran though. I could be wrong.

Maybe this is God telling me to discontinue chemotherapy. I kept saying as soon as I develop a rash or anything happens with my face, I am going to stop. I didn't even finish my second cycle, I feel like suck a fucking whimp.

Chemo Day Regimen #2....MY cancer is better than YOURs

2006-06-20T18:27:00.000-04:00

Today I went to go get my chemo cocktail. It took them FOREVER to get me in and out. My counts are still down, I discussed the 12,356.7 side affects of chemo that I am having with my doc, he gave me some Zofran and Lorazepam for nausea. Thank God for health insurance, for 12 pills my copay was 20 bucks and it cost the insurance 477, for the Zofran that is.

I like my oncologist he is a cutie pie, he really is, his name is Dr. Uppal.

I am hoping that I will be able to go to work today, I did work from home this morning prior to my treatment, then I went into the office for a few afterwards.

Tomorrow I will go see my father to see how he is doing, I thought about going to DC tonight, but it's too much right now. I feel bad, I've only seen him twice since he's been up there.

Today this lady was there getting chemo, an ovarian survior for 15 years with stage IV, she's in her 50's. She was ranting and raving about how it's the silent killer, and it is, I said yeah just like people shouldn't get tested until their in their 50's for colon cancer. I said 165,000 people are diagnosed each year with colon cancer, 7 % of them are under age 50, what about all those other people? She was like Ovarian is worse, colon cancer is preventable. I wanted to slap the hair right off her head, what was left (DISCLOSURE: Sorry to anyone reading this that has ovarian cancer, I don't mean ill will). She then went on to say that I was lucky, which I know I am for it being Stage IIA. Then she also stated that she didn't believe in surgeons that operate on people who think they're going to die, she stated how she went to a surgeon that would only operate on patients that wanted to fight. That annoyed me too. I feel anyone that has this fucking cell bashing disease in their body has a right to feel whatever the fuck they want. Everyone has an equal right to feel how they want, we all react differently because we're different. That to me is like saying, which some family members have, it's okay if we put 4 people in the backseat, but I only have 3 seatbelts, okay so if we get in an accident, who wants to die? ......Okay, so it might not be exactly the same metaphor but you know what I mean. I just wanted to say to her quit the nanny nanny boo boo, my cancer is better than yours, routine. I should coin that term and make t-shirts out of it! That would be a hoot! She said she was an inspiration to a lot of people, I said my mom was and is my hero.

Got a letter from the stupid ass fertiltiy bank today about Dawn's coverage being denied because she doesn't ride penis, I want to send them back a thank you note and tell them to grow some balls, if they need some Dawn will lovingly donate hers. Okay off my soap box now! :)

Hasta besta!

Ski-on and touch tone phones

2006-06-19T20:40:00.000-04:00

This pic is of Drew when she fell asleep in my arms, apparently she over-dosed on Pupperoni's. I ♥ my dog!

Today was my first day returning to work. It was really nice and mellow, I am glad to be back, it will take my mind off of FUCKING Cancer for once, well maybe.

Today at work, I overhear in the cube behind me, a girl saying I want one of those fucking Ski-on TC's those are hot, obviously she meant Scion TC, the new car by the sister company of Toyota. I just thought it was hilarious, it's kind of like that guy in the FedEx commerical that wants to send something to Phone-ex AZ instead of Phoneix. Or how like I keep thinking that sound by George Clinton and the Parliment Funkadelic is Lastnight, when it's actually FLASHLIGHT.

We went to clean my dad's house after I got off of work today, when I say me, I mean Patty, Hales, Dawn G and Dawn P and me. Debbie had a tragic event at her house where she was house bound-not to be confused with house arrest-as my father is very familiar. Apparently she couldn't leave.

In other news, Mini got a ticket today and has to inevitably get a new car because of this.

I dread chemo tomorrow, I am getting nauseated just thinking about it.

I want to see an Inconvenient Truth soon, I will probably hate the fact that I have a 23 room house once I do though :o(.

My niece Dawn asked us the other day if her verizon phone was a touch tone phone, apparently it was, she was able to complete her call, who knew?

In other news, DP and I were driving down the street one night, when the ho's on great mills rod were out, we pulled to the side to admire their art of call-girling, and this one chic picked up this guy, he took her back to his house, ironically he drove in the same direction to our house area, so we were behind him. Later that week, I saw her walking up and down the street, and thought, um, I know your secret! Honestly, who takes a ho to their house? You take a Ho to a HOTEL! Dah, I am a lesbian and I even know that!

Same Room and Location

2006-06-18T23:58:00.000-04:00

Friday, I unofficially returned back to work. I met with my wonderful boss and discussed what nots and what ifs. I am glad to be going back to work, there, it's actually been said and it's in writing!

I am up because I am tired, but as usual can't get to sleep. Dad had his colon surgery yesterday, he looks better today than he did yesterday. It's odd, he was in the same room in the OR when he was waiting as I was, and the same room as I was too when I went up there. Odd how that works, huh?

I am sure I will have some hum-dingers tomorrow to tell. Until then I must try to get some sleep.

Hugs :)

♥ Trent ♥

2006-06-16T17:47:00.000-04:00

These are all pics of Sparklepants, the one that is blurry is the one that I took with Dawn G's camera phone. I reallly like the one with him and Peter Murphy, who so looks like a Matrix character, on the other side of Trent there. The above shot, is a shot at the crowd that was published on NIN.com, I am sure I am in there somewhere near the right upper side, it's just a little too hard to tell!

Mind Racers

2006-06-16T01:28:00.000-04:00

That's what happens to me this late at night, my mind does the what if's and should of, could of, would'ves, which sucks.

Tomorrow, aka today, I am supposed to start back to work. I am going to meet with my boss to discuss my options, etc., in the am, I want to return to work, but I am a little anxious of how people will respond to me being back, etc.

There is something up with blogger because I can't post my fucking pics, not even in html code, Rich-what's up with that?

I was thinking today about Cancer and how it's affected my life overall.
These are my declarations:

Cancer has made me realize even more how precious life is, as if I needed a fucking reminder, c'mon my mom died of this shit, and my father has had it 5 times already.
At first, I didn't want to see my 30th bday come, I feared the big 3-0, now I welcome it, and hopefully at least 5 more after it.
I worry constantly about dying and leaving Dawn with debt.
It's made me realize even more that genetics don't make up a family-it took me a while to get over the fact that I will be infertile from chemo, and not only that, this is an autosominal dominant gene, do I really want to play odds in passing it on? Fuck no, I am not giving it that much credit.
It's brought out the risk-taker in me, this year I want to go on a hot air balloon ride, I want to go jet skiing-of course I have to wait until after chemo because it lowers my immunity and the water is very dirty, I want to go parachuting, I've always wanted to learn how to sail and possibly get my pilot's license for cessnas, I want to be a parent-and not just to my 71 year old father, or dog, or niece, I want to travel to NYC with Dawn, and to London finally.
It's made me realize who my true friends really are and how people treat you differently.
It's made me hate the fucking response when people say: "You could walk out here tomorrow and get hit by a bus, nothings guaranteed", that's true, but c'mon, that's an infinite statement, cancer is finite in my life, and is a life threatening disease, trust me perspectives change when that picture comes in!
It's made me care even less about my hair, and more about my ovaries, it used to be vice versa.
It's made me realize even more that when the dead are dead, they're dead. The living truly do keep living.

Well that's all I have time for tonight, I do have to get to Neverland eventually and it won't happen if I keep sitting here entertaining you guys with my random thoughts of spacely sprockets and calvinly cobbs. Goodnight!

Nine Inch Nails & Dr. Smith

2006-06-14T16:19:00.000-04:00

Nine Inch Nails fucking kicked ass lastnight, the performance was awesome, I just wish it could have been longer. I ♥ Trent Reznor, even though I am queer, he is still my babies' daddy. The man is a musical genius. I took a few photos of Sparklepants with DG's phone and our disposal camera because they wouldn't allow personal portable cameras, WTF?, before my $7.50 beer kicked in (good thing for me it usually only takes 1-however, I ended up drinking Dawn G's and Dawn P's too :)) Good times. The beer made me inevitably sick, probably because I am doing that in combo with the recent chemo-rade that I had. Oh well, I didn't care, last night was my night.

This is my virtual letter to Trent Reznor:

Trent,
You're fucking hot. I ♥ you, even if you weren't in music, I'd still think you're hot. I will be an equal opportunity lover for you, please inquire within and pay upfront :).
Christy

I saw Dr. Smith yesterday, this was not the meaningful and important appointment, I had so hoped it would be. Here is my scenario, I was dx with colon ca because my polyp was bleeding and made me severely anemic, I lost tons of blood. Now, 3 months post op surgery and BEFORE starting surgery, I am losing blood again, I also have symptoms of rectal pressure when deficating, and when not, I have seen what appears to be bloodly tissue in my liquidified excretments, yet, he states, "You have the symptons of colon cancer, however, it's too soon for it to be back, a scope isn't necessary, we were just there". He told me to come at the end of June or August for a follow up scope and sooner if I had any problems, yet he wouldn't do one? How does that work? Secondly, regardless of what he states, I've read people with HNPCC have a tendency to have faster growing cancers than other people of the general population.

Maybe I am being paranoid, but I have a right to be G-D it!

In other news, DP discovered the blog I've been writing to her titled "Letters to Dawn", she was a little touched. My niece found it and said I wasn't going to die, I said sure I am someday. Then I asked the 8-ball if I was going to die this year, and it said, it is certainly so! There you have it. I should have consulted the 8-ball and skipped the fucking docs appt, what was I thinking? I apparently wasn't, huh?

A better Day

2006-06-12T16:03:00.000-04:00

I had a better day today than I've had in a while. I got up and went to the docs, I feel like they should be me and my father on payroll, we both had appts today, typically, dad got hammered last night and didn't remember what time he was supposed to be there for his pre-op blood work (Sat surgery at WHC) and I had to call him to remind him. Both of our counts were fine this time around. I left there, with his surgery on my mind, and forgot to make another appointment for chemo, and I received a call from the nurse to make an appt for next week, not Monday, Tuesday instead. She wants me to see the doc first because of all the lovely side affects I am having, including bone pain now, I think that's from the aranesp(sp) shot, or so I've read, they've never informed me of these lovely side affects from that. The bone pain is pretty intense, especially since I wasn't expecting it, but I can deal with it, I don't want pain meds to have to take too on top of everything else I already forget to take. It rained today and I am sore too. I called Cigna and they are going to mail me my check, they say I can be on disability, LTD for 24 months, but I want to go back to work already. I don't know what I am going to do about chemo or my job status. What to do, what to do?

Tomorrow is the NIN concert. I am pretty excited. I hope I won't have any problems tomorrow that would prevent me from going, I will immodium-up, and although I was thinking about having my 1 beer for the year there, I don't think I will, as post-surgery Christy doesn't handle alcohol any better, if not less, than pre-surgery Christy.

I did come home today and Drew Elizabeth(yes my dog has a middle name-actually 5 of them-Elizabeth Jayzaiah Jenkins Padima Huberstein, then her last name, which is hypenated, is waiting for me at the door, so I had to take a picture. She cracks me up when she does this. Well I ♥ all you guys out there in the daily chemo grind and cancer fight.

P.S. If someone wants to inform me on how the hell I put links on this damn thing and flickr sites, I would be so grateful, :).

CaNcEr

2006-06-11T16:19:00.000-04:00

I can't get the fucking shit out of my head. Today I am sore, sore like I've been whipped with belts in my calves, I feel like I've been standing on my tippy toes for 9 hours straight, even though I didn't need to. My hips and legs ache, I know it's a side affect from the chemo, I have strong legs usually, and even get on the treadmill from time to time, now this is another story.

Dawn is downstairs putting together the gym weight lifting he-man iron machine that we got what seems like 12 weeks ago, but is really 2 or 3. There is a stench in the air, a stench of Cancer, because, neither, she, nor I, can get it off our heads.

I know I am so lucky to be stage II, everyone keeps telling me, doctor wise that I have a 75% survival rate for the next 5 years, 75% is better than 74% but I would sure as hell like a 100% if you catch my drift.

This is not a good thing for someone like me, who analyzes everything, I mean every FUCKING thing, to have, they can tell me this and they can tell me that, but I am a little different from most, because mine is genetic. I have HNPCC, I go next week for genetic testing, as I had to reschedule the appt this week due to the chemo affect. This is my guestion that no one can answer, three oncologists and a top rated surgeon-What are my odds here? You're different they say, I had a total colectomy because I didn't want a chance of reoccurance, which could still happen, and is everly on my mind, if it comes back it could come back in the rectum 5-10% chance, however with HNPCC, I have to watch out for my endometrium, my ovaries, my bladder, my liver, my lungs and brain, I have a 60% chance of developing endometrium cancer, which means I should succumb to an elective hysterectomy. I am 29 that's all I have to say. WTF? I mean I know I am older than some people that get diagnosed, but I do not want to go into menopause, I don't want to be put on synthetic hormones that will increase my odds for other types of cancer. Then chemo-to do or not to do? With the side affects I say fuck no, but hell, what if, in three years it comes back? Or even a year? I could have done chemo, what if that would have helped? I would forever feel cheated, guilty, and like a pussy for not going through it all. It's 6 in one, half a dozen in the other. I fucking hate it.

Today my throat is sore too, I wonder if I picked up a bug at Pride yesterday, shit with the lowered immunity and all that chemo does provide as a side dish, I am sure I did, I tried to make sure I didn't touch the escalator rail when using Metro, to wash my hands and use papertowels to open the doors of the restrooms, etc.,

Why do I have to worry about job security, a life insurance policy, health insurance coverage, and infertility, menopause, chemo and cancer all at one time? Not to mention, my wonderful partner, Dawn, she is wonderful, however, she doesn't necessarily know what I am going through sometimes.

Shit, do I?

AM I jumping the gun? I feel like my mortality has taken a strike and I need to know when the time is up? Is this normal, are any of you out there feeling like that? Can someone please mute the thoughts in my head, they're getting on my nerves. This is my question to all of them, if this is genetic, how can I beat my genes? How will chemo help, if it indeed will-that one remains unsolved.

I am starting to become into the selfish phase of being a cancer patient-in questioning, why me, why now? What about all the crack whores who abuse their bodies? Why not them, then I realize, that one life isn't greater than another, I am not better than them, and vice versa, sure they might have better cell structure and not a genetic mutation like I do, but it doesn't mean they should die or suffer before I. Christ, I just don't know.

Pride Parade

2006-06-11T00:11:00.000-04:00

I had to post these pics, we managed to go out today and have a little fun. I took some immodium so it slowed down the shitter, however, I think that going into the business of making personal ass-gaskets (my name for toilet seat covers) would be worth wild. I always get the restrooms where they're aren't any left and I am forced to use toilet paper to cover the seat, which ends up looking like a bad attempt at a penyata (sp). We did have a good time though, I even got teary-eyed a few times when I saw the lesbian parents with their kids and wondered if we'd ever have any-then I wondered if I would be around until next Pride too, Christ, what's worse? Someone crying at Pride, the happiest time of the year for gays and lesbians, or shitting without ass gaskets? So I had to turn off the pipes fast. Also, we just got the denial from Dawn's insurance company about fertility. Apparently, since she doesn't have a male partner, she has to have 12 medically supervised attempts paid out of pocket at trying to conceive, whereas, if she had a male partner, they would just need a letter stating she'd had unprotected sex for 12 months from her OBGYN, that's a fucking double standard if I haven't seen one. Okay, I'm off the soap box for now.

TGIF.....

2006-06-09T23:19:00.000-04:00

I had never really looked forward to a Friday like this one before. It's the end of the week and I had my first round of chemo on Monday, so today, I almost feel like my old self again, aside from the following symptoms that have developed over the past four days:

chills
fever
nausea
nausea
nausea
diahrrea
nausea
tingling in the hands and feet
sensitivity to cold-as in when I drink my mouth feels like pins and needles
joint tenderness and pain-primarily in the knees and shoulder joints
nausea
fatigue
fatigue and
nausea.

Tomorrow is the pride parade, but I don't know if we will be going or not. We went to see the Omen tonight, the movie was okay, but it was nice to actually get out of the house for once and have some normacly if you will. My port is driving me nuts, as in when I lay, I can feel it in my chest. I've lost 6 more pounds, that of course due to the chemo, not that I am complaining, I am sure I could stand to lose a little more. I talked with Dawn, I don't know if I will go for the next round of chemo, but if I do, work is certainly going to be a challenge.

6 days until NIN

2006-06-07T11:16:00.000-04:00

6 days until the Nine Inch Nails concert at Nissan Pavillion, chemo or no chemo, I am going to make it to that fucking concert.

Today I go to drop off my pump, I don't think I should have any problems with driving there, the nausea, due to the new meds, is at bay so far. Friday is when pride starts www.capitalpride.org and Dawn and I were going to get a hotel room in the city and stay there over night like we always do, but I don't know if we're still going to do that or not. The parade and street stuff that we like to see happens on Saturday and Sunday, but I don't know that I am up for club hopping.

The chemo is making my face redish at times as well as my chest where the port is being accessed, the down fall to this is that it doesn't eventually turn tan like a regular sunburn-I guess because it's not.

My sister called me lastnight to ask me the same damn routine questions she always ask me over and over again, and I told her the symptoms of my chemo and then she said they will get better with time right? I said no, it's usually a cumulative affect and gets worse each time. She really has no clue, but why should I expect them to? Afterall they are just family.

Leucovorin and Friends.........Chemo Day

2006-06-06T11:20:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, June 5th, was my first chemo day and the first time my port was accessed too. My H&H was low today, the first time around when they found my cancer, it was low, and I was severely anemic, that's how they found my cancer because my polyp was bleeding, it was 6 and 22. Now, I am very very worried. They also did a CEA and it wasn't large last time either, but I don't know the results of those until later this week when I go to get my pump discharged. I hope all is well with me, I really want to live, I just want to be able to havea normal life to live when I do survive this.
I was nervous before they started chemo, I was also having to worry about my father, who was anemic when he was in the hospital the third week of May, but they did a CBC on him and it was fine, ironically, I wasn't expecting mine to be low, although, I have been experiencing shortness of breath. I am passing what appears to be blood tissue in my stool, I had Dawn call yesterday and make me an appt with Dr. Smith, since all of my time was ate up sitting there. I go next week. I would be very relieved if he would send me for another PetScan, I wish cancer would just fuck off!
I had a lot of time to kill, so I made a list of things that we're going to do this year, regardless of the money and job situation, I just home the chemo-side affects will stay at a minimum. So far, I am severely drained, nauseous, I have the tingling in my hands and feet sometimes, I have sensitivity to cold, when I drink something that is chilled, I feel like pins and needles in my mouth. I am also sensitive to hot water too for some reason, ornically not hot foods though. I get cold and hot, but I don't have the runs, I am the opposite, which kind of scares me because I don't want to worry about an obstruction now. I also am having headaches that turn into migraines with this too. Hopefully my body will heal well enough I will be okay for the weekend and what not.
That's enough, I am going to lay down.

Stress Test....and hopes for Neverland

2006-06-03T01:07:00.000-04:00

I am for some reason an insomniac-I don't know if it was because I worked nights for five years in xray at the local hopsital or because my mom and I used to stay up late and watch movies when I was little, needless to say, I didn't inherit that get-up and go shiat from my father.

I finally dozed off lastnight somewhere between 5:58 am and 5:59 am and Dawn got up at 6:00 am. I then got up to use the loo, I set my cell alarm for 7:30 so I could get ready to pick up dad and get him to the doc. I go back to bed hoping to get some shut eye prior to getting up the cell rings at 7-it's Dad-reiterating to me the instructions I gave him lastnight, but he's evidently forgotten because he was plastered, I tell him what he needs and hit snooze 3 times.

I get up and we go, finally there and we're at the doc's we sit in the waiting room and HE starts. A rather obese employee comes out and greets us, she goes behind a desk, my father, who has to do a stress test, that involves walking on a treadmill, says, I think all of these people need a stress test because they're fat, I'm not. I just looked at him and told him to shut his cake hole.

Next episode-doctor's baby-a doc comes in with his two children, one a small infant in a car seat thingy and the other a male toddler, the boy stops, and smiles at me, and stares at me for like 2 minutes. He does this 3 individual times almost as if he sees something in me that no one else can see, or like how a dog looks at someone or stares at a wall-almost like a 6th sense, it was uncanny.

We finally leave, and my sister, the one that bitched at me about my port, wanted me to stop by because my father's bday was yesterday and she wants to give him the bday money, I do, she then says let me see your port, I show her, and want her to touch it, but she refuses, yet, it's okay and I shouldn't shit my pants about it. WHATEVER, not her body!

Fast Forward about 12 hours, it's 1:11 and I can't get to sleep, I don't feel well, I am still on my period and I am so glad it's the weekend, I think I will try to find slumper somewhere, Neverland here I come....hopefully Wendy will be looking for me.

Hairy Toast and Papertowel Pepsi?

2006-06-01T23:50:00.000-04:00

Long story short, we go to IHOP to eat, and I find a freakin paper towel in my ice and a piece of hair on my toast! That's it, I lost my appetite!

Bay-be update?!?

2006-05-31T17:33:00.000-04:00

The fertility clinic called today, they called DP, not me, since DP will be the one to carry now, and it was her "our" financial coordinator, professional lingo for insurance biller at the doc's office-gotta love it-(the coordinator's initials are PP)I used to do this what seems like ages ago now-anywho-she stated she looked into DP's benefits and told her what they were on the voicemail, this we already know, what we don't know, is about the exceptional clauses, about if she doesn't have a male partner, how she has to have 12 cycles of IUIs paid out of pocket, etc. I shall call PP back tomorrow and see if she can or will talk to me, I am sure DP will have to call her and give her permission and then we will go from there. So this gives me something else to, how do you say, obsess about over the next few days I guess, that and selecting a SPERM donor, finally!?!

Sleep interrupted?

2006-05-31T10:36:00.000-04:00

So at about 2:20 this afternoon (you'll notice the time I am posting this) I am awoken from my deep morning slumber of sugar plums dancing in my head to find a text message from my beloved Beowulf of a sister, "I want to apologize about last night".

Now, not only did the titillating vibrating sound, all too familiar wake me up, it was the words that sent me into clear shock, almost like hearing the car needs a new transmission when you took it in to get the headlight changed or something, so with that much shock, I couldn't get back to sleep, so now I am up for good.

This apology to me is a huge surprise for me, considering that I really expected her to do her usual thing, call me later on today and tell ME how much I over-reacted. So part of me wondered, did she find my blog online and realized how much of an ass she was? She couldn't have come to this realization all by her lonlisome, the girls had to have helped her. I also have to add in, how skinny she thought my neck was in the picture I took yesterday. I thought that was fucking hilarious.

My port still hurts, it is still raised and I can't sleep on my right side and it feels like my neck is constantly pulling, I suspect that is from the wires in my neck running to my jugular. I don't care if I have to have so much as a toe nail amputated, I will not go to St. Mary's Hospital for anything anymore.

On another note, DP and I logged into our savings account lastnight with ING Direct, the Orange Savings account, I heart them so, and we took this picture because it made us laugh and put me in a cheerful mood it was about a contest. Ours was a parody on the "Got Milk" ad-I have an orange milk mustache and I even wrote Got ING on the cup, if I win I could get 15K, or 1500 for second prize, it was fun doing it.

Mediport Day

2006-05-30T17:48:00.000-04:00

I had my mediport put in today. I wasn't scared, taken back, or anything, just ready to have it done. I walked in, same old, same old, what's your name? Do you know what you're here for? I wanted to say, more importantly, do you know what I am here for, afterall I did come here ( I mean I know why they ask these questions, to make sure you're of sound mind and body, but c'mon, give me a break sometimes). Then they wanted a urine, to make sure I am not pregnant. I told them I was a lesbian, they stated this is just a formality, I stated the fact that I was a lesbian wasn't (I mumbled this under my breath, I didn't want to seem like a smartass right off the bat). I again, understand, why they have to do these tests, but it STILL irks me.

I had to tell 5 people what I was having done today, the nurse that took me back, the nurse that tried three times to get a vein, but then decided to call the anesthesiologist and he tried twice to get a vein and finally got one in my wrist, the other anes. doc, the actual doc that was doing my surgery and the nurse in the OR. The one doc asked who Dawn was, when she was sitting there beside me while I was waiting. I stated she was my partner, he asked me what kind of business we were in, I said the lesbian business, he then caught on and made a funny back and said is that near Lusby? (which is a town a county over-I thought that was cute, he seemed like a chipper happy guy).

The port is sore and is much different from dad's it is about the size of a dime on the outside and pushes out above the skin a little, and on the inside it is about the size of a silver dollar. I was only there for about 4 hours total round trip. I know the pic looks like that of a breast or deformed nipple or something. I finally took off the large banages, I should have went up the freakin' road to PG where my father had his, I have a 2 inch scar above my right breast, very visible, and you can see the port line under the skin, it looks like a black line about the diameter of a spaghetti noodle that runs almost up to my neck then disappears, the port sticks out substantially. I wish I could push on it, and it could be like a beam me up scottie thing, but I don't think that is going to happen. I am not happy with the outcome.

Something's not right

2006-05-29T16:26:00.000-04:00

I can't put my finger on it, but something's not right, here at cd cafe. I don't feel well. I am running a fever, I don't think it's just the sinus thing either. Tomorrow I go have my mediport put in, I am not nervous, note to self, I have to take my durable power of attorney and my advanced directive with me, they did ask me that on the phone.

Dawn's cleaning her bounty she caught lastnight, we went to see X-men3 today, it was pretty good, much better than I anticipated. Although, the highlight of evening, was indeed, not the movie, but the point, when after the movie, Dawn and I raced to the bathroom, because we needed to piss faster than Russian race horses race, and all the stalls were full. So we wait. A rather large lady comes in after us, and states, "Are they all full?", I responded, "Um yeah", I really wanted to say, "No, we just like hanging out in bathrooms with full stalls" why do people ask stupid questions like that?

It's like when people do something wrong and you tell them and they say, "My bad", WTF? My bad, when you do something good, you don't say "My good". It's like a cop-out for an apology. I don't get it. I just don't.

Sinuses

2006-05-28T22:34:00.000-04:00

I went over to the BBQ, it was nice, I had a much better time than I expected, however, I picked up, and brought home something I didn't expect, a sinus infection. Missy's darling little ones were sick and I caught it. I managed to dodge what Dawn had for so long, but a few hours over there and I come home feeling icky, I will not be able to sleep tonight, I can't find my antibiotics I had for it not so long ago. I'd rather have an ass-whoopin' than a sinus infection, it hurts my nose and keeps me up at night. Ugh....................

Blah.........

2006-05-28T15:29:00.000-04:00

I am about to go to a BBQ, DP is with her brother, that I have to inevitably wonder, if whether or not, he has a bit of a crush on me? she is fishing with him until 11 tonight. WOW. I am going over one of my very bestest friends from middle school for a BBQ in a few. The kids next door are irritating me because they're constantly arquing over stupid stuff that kids inevitably do, I think I am one of those people who can "hate" certain peoples kids.

The visit with the MIL didn't go all that bad, it was actually one of the more pleasant-er times. We agreed to co-sign the lease for Kasi and Chris to get the appartment, we're going to help them get a few things for the apartment. I can't help of think of the irony all the time about how we've always wanted a baby, when we've tried, we m/c'd and were plagued by STDs! with our known donor, then in our extended family two of our 18 and 19 year old nieces are about to have babies, odd how that works?!?

My sister came down today with the girls, she seems to think since DP wasn't going to be home that I would need to come up her house later, I know she was being nice, but I don't need constant interaction, I will be okay. We were talking about how Shawna, my other niece, doesn't want kids, and she said well she should at least have one, I said yeah, you think she should at least have one, but you don't think I should have any, she said you need to think about your health, I said well do you think I am going to die, or do you think I don't need to have any because I am a lesbian, make up your mind woman?!

I told her the other day, when she asked me why I had been feeling bad-as I've been for a few days-constant bathroom trips-more than usual, some sided pain, mucus, blood, pressure, etc., that I thought my cancer might be back, and something told me to say something to the doctor when I took my father to see my surgeon on Thursday but I didn't, she said, I think you're over-reacting, DOES SHE NOT STOP AND THINK BEFORE SHE OPENS HER CAKE HOLE?

Well I guess I better stop the rant and get going the BBQ is at furr!

Addition Problems?

2006-05-26T13:21:00.000-04:00

You know that movie, back in the 80's, it was called, Moving, well, remember, the horrible next door neigbhor that used that mammoth lawnmower to cut 3 inches of grass? Well we have howdy crack ass next door doing the same thing, this morning he had two of them, they were similar to the pic posted. This is where my problem comes in, I went to bed around 1:30, I didn't get to sleep until 2:30, I got woke up periodically because of my bowel, I get woke up at 6:30 because Dawn is leaving, I get woke up at 7 because of the noise across the street, they're building another house, you see, then the phone starts ringing, so now it's around noon and I finally want to roll over, not to mention my TMJ medicine makes me weary, and Freida knows which one I am talking about!
So that is why I have addition problems today!

?

2006-05-26T00:29:00.000-04:00

I'm becoming less defined as days go by, fading away, well, you might say, I'm losing focus...I'm drifting in the abstract...sometimes I think I can see right through myself........Trent Reznor.

Do you ever just wake up and wonder how the hell you got to this point in your life? Do you ever feel like you've skipped a few years? I feel like I've been comatose for about 5 years and I've just recently woken up. The problem with that is, I want to go back to sleep :)

Dad's appointment went exceptionally well today, he is going to have surgery, unfortunately later, than sooner, on the 17th of June with Dr. Smith. Dad will probably not need a bag, he was much relieved, as were we all, I think. I called all the aunties and uncles to let them know what the status of everything was, Debbie rode with us today, that was an adventure, she's really anxious and nervous and fidgetty.

Mis called me today, I shall call her tomorrow to see how she is doing. Tomorrow the MIL comes over for the night to allow me to help her with the credit cards she has and to help Dawn in building a family tree, should be interesting, I will TRY very hard to be NICE. Subconsciously I am a bitch and irritated a DP because her mother is still alive-I know this is shallow and harsh-but at least give me credit for admitting it, gesh!

It's almost 1 and I am still bright-eyed and bush-tailed, I got up at 7 this morning drove for 12 million.5 hours and came home and went through paperwork.

Our neighbor-we'll call him Peter Pervers is getting weirder(is this a word) by the minute-he waited outside of our car when we pulled into a parking spot at Wally World the other day-coo coo!

Goodnight world, off to an interrupted night of slumber I go.....

Dad

2006-05-24T15:16:00.000-04:00

He doesn't look good. I went to pick him up today so we could go to the Bean Building and get copies of his medical records-of which I called last Friday and the damn lady stated they would be ready-we get there, they were not, then another office, Dr. Mehta's and Dr. Kankarian's stated that I had to come in and sign a request before they could copy them-I asked them what was the work around if he was in the hospital or if he was dying and we needed these records? Then I told them it was a cluster-fuck, yes, out loud, I didn't give a rats ass, I could deal with it a lot better when I had to go through all the RED tape when it was me, but I can't with him for some reason.

I scanned his pic and decided to post it, I know some might think it's TMI or even gross, but I don't care. I want people to see it, for the nasty shitty thing that it is.

I could be wrong, but I don't think he will be able to get away from this surgery without having another bag-the pathology report stated that there was a polyp in the rectum, then again, they could do an internal J Pouch so there is hope afterall, but, however, they did do a 30 cm biopsy, that's almost 15 inches for crying out loud!

Chemo-I start it on June 5th, apparently, you have to start it, then come back two days later, drop off the pump, then go back the next day and get another shot, so it's a 4 day ordeal. I have been posting online to a message board and some people are really having a hard time with this thing, hopefully I won't be one of them.

DC Kings, Mediports & Other random thoughts of shiat.....

2006-05-22T14:11:00.000-04:00

......Friday night, Dawn, DP, Eric and I went to the 930 club to see the Great Big 6 Drag King show, it was okay, we didn't get home until 430 in the morning. I had a few drinks, mixed, and realized that my body cannot tolerate mixed drinks after the surgery, so I had to settle for one beer, which was it. It was nice to get out on one hand to have some sense of normalcy, then on the other, I realized how poor the air quality was in there with all the smoke, fog machines, and the fire tossing act on stage, and thought Christ, now I am going to get lung cancer (*insert humor here*).

Today, Monday, I went to see the surgeon about getting my mediport put in for chemo-HaPpY HaPpY No JoY, I will go next Tuesday and get it done. I am not scared of the procedure or anything, I will just be happy when it's done so I can get started on chemo....ugh.

I will take Dad to WHC this Thursday for the consult with my surgeon so he can discuss his options, in the interim, I am working on wrapping up 3+ months of being off work, tying up lose ends, and collecting as much of Dad's medical records that I do not have to take to the doc. Exciting, huh?

We went to see the DaVinci code on Saturday, it was a pretty good movie, or at least I thought. I only finished the book half-way so I don't know how different the ending was, even so, I thought it was a nice wrap up, now I want to go tour Europe even more so than I did before.

What more can this family take?

2006-05-18T23:42:00.000-04:00

My family has definately been plagued by some bad karma or something. My mom was first diagnosed with colon cancer when I was 14, she kept having reoccurances after reoccurances until it killed her 8 years ago this year. My father was diagnosed with bladder cancer when I was 15, then he had an abdominal tumor that was cancerous and inoperable when I was 17, then he got lung cancer when I was 21, 6 months after my mom died, then the lung cancer came back, and now he has colon cancer. My sister Patty has had trouble with her ovaries and is bleeding irregularily and has also been having some colonic problems (passing blood). My sister Debbie has polycystic kidney disease. I am recovering from my total colectomy surgery I had done on 3/27 for colon cancer and am about to undergo 6 months of chemo and now this.

I feel bad for my father, having been a patient and a caretaker now, I would not have surgery if I was him. I don't have that much will in me, and I don't think that necessarily that that is a bad thing, but at almost 71 he is ready to go through another surgery, which I don't know whether or not he will have to have a colostomy bag or not, I hope he won't, espeically since he already has a urostomy. That would be so fucking IRONIC, my mom had two bags and so will my father. I don't have a good feeling about this surgery, my sister said she didn't either. Dad didn't look good today, very pale and weak, and this was before he found out. He was shocked, pissed, upset, a multitude of emotions, that unfortunately I"ve come to know personally. I can't imagine having it 5 fucking times. If I had a reoccurance I don't know that I would have surgery, because my next option would be a bag and I am not sure I would want a quality of life like that. Granted you can still do stuff and function and what not, but it's just different.

All this happens when I have to get ready to go back to work in a FUCKING week, GeSh!

Lions, Tigers, and Fertility Doctors....oh my!

2006-05-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

Today, Dawn and I went to go see Dr. Mottla in Annapolis, a nearly two hour drive from our house, we took a wrong turn on the way there and got lost for about 1/2 hour then found our way back to get a call that the doctor had an emergency and would need to push our appt time back 1.5 hours, no biggie, but I did say to Dawn, do you think this is an omen? Maybe we shouldn't have children, she simply said no.

The Appointment: We get there and talk with Dr. Mottla about my history, my recent past surgery, the fact that I am getting ready to start chemotherapy for 6 months, 600 hours, worth, my genetic mutation of this wretched gene, etc., I told him the donor we've picked out since 2001 at Fairfax Cryobank had colon cancer in his family and his mother died of it, and that I had a 50% chance of passing this gene off onto my offspring. He stopped me mid-sentence and stated that the ultimate goal of fertility is achieving a child, a healthly child in the end, that is the ultimate goal, how you get there doesn't matter. I told him, that although condesending as it may sound, I don't feel that genetics make up a family, and I do think it takes more than an egg and sperm to be a parent, however, children are the ultimate immortality, he then says to me that regardless of genetics and whichever partner the egg comes from, the child will still be your ultimate immortality, because you will have passed on beliefts, moral values, and traditions that you have, genetics have nothing to do with that. He is saying this and I can't help but notice the MANY pictures of children on his desk, that are inevitably his family and inevitably look like him. He tells me that he doesn't want to side step his bounds or try to distraumatize anything that I've went through, but since I have a current health crisis, why put more heat on the fire? I went there seeking information regarding the possibility of getting my eggs harvested, fertilized, frozen and stored for long-term optional use down the road, with Dawn carrying, of course we'd have to chose another donor. Dawn and I looked at a white donor, and we've decided we like him, and he gave us a treatment plan for her to proceed with so that we could move forward in 6 months time once I am done chemo and on my way to better health.
At first when I left there, I was feeling better about things, almost in a sense like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder, but in another sense, I felt empty and hurt, because I felt like he really didn't listen to my needs or desires. There are many factors to consider in this and I don't want to leave any loose ends hanging. I just feel like once I start chemo, my womanhood is gone.

People say once you have the child, all the stuff that gets you there is just filler, and it's hindsight, you don't even think about it, but I am really wondering. Also, to add fuel to the ordeal, I called Dawn's insurance company and they only cover 6 IUIs per lifetime and that is at 50% each time, he would want to do two per month, which is 3500-5000, for 5 months, if everything is healthly with her. In addition, she has to meet certain criteria to be eligible for her insurance to cover this, and EVERYTHING has to be preauthorized, even lab work. The criteria she has to meet, is that if she is a female patient without a male partner, then she has to pay for 12 cycles of IUI at her expense without insurance paying for anything, then, secondly, if she were a female patient with a male partner, then she would just need a documentation from an OBGYN stating that she had been trying for 12 months at home with no pregnancy. I think that is a double-standard-bullshit-hog-wash if I ever saw one!

Sleep-Not Here

2006-05-16T10:56:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've always been an insomniac to a degree, but I guess my body is dealing with stress and the worry of the side affects and long term affects of chemo, that I am subconciously stressing. Not to mention, they're starting to lay off people again at DPs job, they say she is fine, but you never know and I still won't know about mine until the end of May or June, or hell I don't know when. My father might have colon cancer now, they said the spot on his lung cleared up but his PetScan showed something in his bowel. He went up to the bean building to talk to the GI doc yesterday and while he was there, they took his BP of course, and all that jazz, and it was high, so they sent him to the ER, he is in ICU now, they think something is wrong with his heart. My grandfather died of cardiac arrest, all the peeps on his side have rapid heart rates including my father that is why we think this is normal for him. My uncles is 90, mine is usually 110 and my father's was 150, they gave him medicine all night long for it to go down and it finally did for a while, the cardiologist seems to think there is something wrong with my father's heart (avoiding an opportunity for a joke on purpose here), however, we see it as just his normal rhythm.

I didn't get to bed last night until almost 1:30, and I usually get up about 5 times during the night for the bathroom and then I was woken up when Dawn had to go to work and then on top of that, Debbie, Shawna and one of my aunts calls me this morning between 7 and 8. The phone just kept going off all the time, I was pissed.

So now I am finally fucking up and I can't sleep. I am going to take a shower and chill out because I don't feel that great-I've been having constant fucking migraines, no doubt stress related.

My Mom and Me

2006-05-12T00:46:00.000-04:00

I love this pic so I wanted to post it, she was almost 40 years old here and she still looked hot:

Decisions, decisions

2006-05-12T00:31:00.000-04:00

So I posted on this fucking thing yesterday and when I hit submit the puter locked up and I lost everything. I will definately do a copy before I hit submit this time.

So...I saw the surgeon and the oncologist down here-Dr. Uppal. The surgeon was impressed with my healing and told me I could go back to work the 1st of June. I am going to be looking forward to it in a way and not to forward to it in another way, it will be nice to have some normalcy in my life, however, I will be starting chemo, on or before I go back to work. That is going to be a partially all day thing with a going back and forth for like 2-3 days to the doc every other week, then the side affects, which I am subconsciously terrified of...nausea, vomiting, diahhrea, low blood counts, sensitivity to cold, hair loss, etc.

Dr. Uppal stated that I could have it done down here, and he would do a 6 month regimen of Folfox-that's Oxaliplatin, 5FU and Leucovorin. I won't be getting any Avastin, however, the Oxaliplatin in platinum based and considered high risk in terms of fertility, the other two are considered low risk, but if you combine the two, there is a high chance my period won't resume. Dr. Uppal strongly urges me to go and talk to an RE, so Dawn and I have an appt for May 17th to talk with them regarding my eggs and the potential of them. In fact, I received the information packet in the mail today. My insurance only has a 10K maximum for lifetime benefit, I shouldnt' say only because it's not like it's nothing, but here is what anticipated costs are at this point for just harvesting, fertilizing and freezing my eggs that would become embryos-10500 for invitro of the egg, then 1800 to inject the sperm or ICSI as they call it, 360 for storage for one year of the frozen embryo, 500 for sperm, then there is ultrasounds, medications like clomid and of course let's not forget the blood work. Dawn's insurance on the other hand-does cover up to 100K for a lifetime benefit and the use of IVF for up to 3 times per birth, however, I don't know what stipulations her benefits have on them. Thank God mine doesn't require me to be married or anything like that. Now we have to decide what to do among sperm donors-we were all set on 2175 up until now, because he is black, he looks like Dawn, and we thought he was a good fit, until I found out that his mum died of colon ca too, now that's me, my mom and his mom, I have a 50% chance of passing this onto my offspring. I talked with the genetics counselor over the phone today-she is fabulous btw-she said yeah I wouldn't want to do that unless they could offer me preimplantation genetic testing, which the fertility center does off, but to make it even more painful, this donor doesn't have IVF available, I don't know what the sperm bank offers either, and on top of it, how much money would it cost?

But in good news-the insurance company will pay for 100% of my genetic testing which is wonderful news-saving us about 2K.

Then we could use Dawn's eggs of course, but that is chosing another donor and we have one in mind-2287 however he doesn't have much product left. So we need to decide SOON.
I hate this, having the ability to have children taken away from me, or not necessarily, but what mother would want to bring a child into this world that could potential have a dreadful disease? They would have it at a much younger rate as well, also, even if I didn't use donor 2175. We've chosen 2287 for Dawn, he's white and looks a little like me sort of, however, there isn't much of his product left like I said.

On to more dreadful news, my father had his petscan done and they think everything is gone in the lung-at least this is coming from my almost 71 year old father who cannot hear or fathom very well what the doc is telling him and btw never ever does he ask questions-but they saw a spot in his colon, so they suspect cancer. I am going to find out what the uptake on it is tomorrow, that way I can figure out some stuff for myself. They told him regardless he has to have more chemo, it was just starting to make him sick and make his hair fall out too. He looked really earlier this week when I saw him on Tuesday.

I want to go to a NIN concert on 6/13/06, so I think I am going to buy the tickets tomorrow. My niece Dawn is supposed to come with us, I asked Mini and Mike but Mike won't talk to me so that would make it sort of odd if we did go, with them, huh?

Goodnight everyone.

My Oncologist is better than Yours

2006-05-08T23:16:00.000-04:00

I saw that on a t-shirt online and I am going to order it I think it will be great humor when I start my chemo. Lately, I've been having a lot of chronic migraines and shoulder tension. I think it's because I am not taking the Topamax anymore since it caused me to have a kidney stone I am technically not supposed to take it, but I think I might resume. I've had 4 migraines back to back.

Tomorrow I go see the oncologist down here, Dr. Uppal, I will discuss treatment types and options with him and hopefully take the next step in getting my port put in, I will then decide whether to go down here for it, or to Georgetown.

....And in insomniac news today, I fell asleep on my own while reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, it was truly amazing, although it only lasted for a hour or so...........oh well.

Goodnight All.

P.S. If you're reading this Amanda, congrats on the contract stuff, I am happy you have a job! Now, what's up with the road trip?

Thrown In

2006-05-08T00:57:00.000-04:00

I just had to throw this in, since I am still up at almost 1 am, and I am surfing the internet, succesfully, for nothing.

I will have yet another night of trying to get to sleep and can't............and I am reading and that usually helps........but not now for some reason.

My
mind
races
about
firvolous
shiat.

I am tired and my ass hurts from shitting constantly last night and all day today-explosive unrelenting diahrecan'tspellthe fuckingwordrea.

Our ass clown neighbor.........

2006-05-06T22:15:00.000-04:00

.........wakes us up this morning at fucking 6:30! I am an insomniac, I must not be woken before 10:30 on the weekends, preferably noon, especially since I didn't get to sleep last night until freakin almost 3:30. We have a no-calling the house before noon rule on the weekends, that most of our relatives know, minus my sister Patty, and my can't hear shit father, Howard.

He (the ass clown neighbor) asked us if he could pull in a truck to drop some cement down in the back of his house because he was doing a patio or some shit, Dawn stated it was fine but if any damage was caused he would have to pay for it, well there's damage all right. She talked to him about it and he stated he wanted to take us out to dinner for the inconvenience, Dawn stated no that's okay. I'd rather have my eyelids cut off and feed sleeping pills than go eat anywhere with them two, I know this might be rude, but these are the people that gave us odd looks at the home development center when we were picking out house colors for our house to be built, looking at us and thinking in their heads, "Are they together? Is that a girl and a girl? ", I sincerely think they thought that, but that's just my opinion I could be wrong.

We took the long trip to Waldorf today, we went to look at home exercise equipment at Sears, Sporting Authority and Dicks Sporting Goods, we ate at the Olive Garden and went to see the movie Ice Age 2. I thought I was going to have to give Dawn a timeout as much noise as she made in the movie theater, very fidget too in an almost annoying kind of way, but I got over it.

All and all I enjoyed my day and time with her. The ex called, twice, didn't leave a msg and then sent me a txt msg on the phone to say she had two tickets for us to see a baseball game and wanted to know if we'd wanted them, "I was like uh, ok", who is it, Bowie Bay Sox? I would rather have my fingernails removed than watch a damn baseball game, I don't even watch Dawn play when she was on the team last year, why the fuck would I want to sit through one professionally with a bunch of males watching males? I know it was nice of her to offer, but I can't help but think it's just another plot for her to get back into my life somehow or make mettle conversations that inadvertently mean shiat!

TMI WARNING-luckily today, I didn't have much problem with being in public, eating and dealing with the recent colectomy. I did have to use the public toilets like 3 or 4 times but I was pretty okay with it, I didn't have to worry about public toilet ass (PTA) either because there were seat covers in every bathroom I had to use. I am very thankful to have healed so nicely since surgery and to have had my body fully recover so far the way it has, including my small intestine. (*Insert thanks to the small intestine here*). Cancer has made me more aware of my food choices and what I chose to put in my body, I am gradually starting to see food for what it really is and that's fuel. Today I saw some red substances in my stool but I am hoping it wasn't blood and just something red and cellulose I ate.

DP and I talked more today about children and are pondering many thoughts regarding when, how and what nots. We are going to make an appt with our RE to see what his thoughts are and what options he can offer us and to find out exactly what her insurance covers and what mine does, that way we can figure out what to do about sperm and donors. I hate feeling so complacent about this and my job at the moment, not knowing all the details irritates the shiat out of me! :)

TGIF and the best pic of us in awhile...

2006-05-05T14:23:00.000-04:00

That there is a picture of me and DP when we were at the baby shower for her brother, Paul. I think this is one of the best pictures I've ever taken-I know that says a lot-look at my hair, I just like the pic and wanted to post it.

So I went to lunch today at Ruby Tuesday's with my big sistas-Patty and Debbie. Patty treated, it wasn't anything to brag about, I don't heart Ruby Tuesdays. Patty and I came back here, and she did what she always does try to clean, and my house isn't dirty she just wants to do some upkeep stuff I guess.

I made an appt with my local oncologist to see what he would recommend for the treatment of me with my stage, etc., I will know more on Tuesday. Tuesday is the day, I go see my surgeon that day too, I hope I can go back to work soon. I am bored with sitting home and being restricted. I think I might have the port put in here locally too, rather than go up the road. Again, not crazy about the hoopla scars.

I want to go camping with the girls, and go to Gilbert's Run to do paddle boating-I use to take them when they were little and they want to go again. Patty says to me today when we were talking about donors, do I know that if we have a baby I can't give it back like house, it's not like we're playing anymore. I am like no really. She is like you can't get up and go like you're use to, REALLY? I'd never thought of it, and furthermore where in the hell do we go? NO WHERE, we're always just running errands and doing the daily boring stuff and that's it. She thinks I should wait 5 years, I already feel like we've waited long enough. She then tells me when I told her in 5 years I could be dead, and she said that's what I mean, what's the point? I said well we would have a child together and she said but it won't be from you, it will be from Dawn. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST that's what I thought. She has also voice her opinions because of us being lesbian parents. I don't think discussing this topic with her is of benefit to either one of us.

I don't know why I put TGIF-I am not waiting to do anything special this weekend. I would like to go and buy a treadmill and a stationary bike to put in the basement but I don't think we will because of the uncertainity of my job position come June.

And baby makes 3?

2006-05-04T22:44:00.000-04:00

Dawn and I have talked a lot recently regarding having a child. We're at that point in our lives where I think we need more, we've got our house, her job is pretty stable, at the moment mine isn't, but I should know something about that soon, and although we're not finished with school completely, our biological clocks are ticking, and in addition, this whole Cancer thing has really made me wake up.

I am feeling very numb and disappointed to a degree. I know this sound selfish and sloth, I know it sounds odd and confusing and almost contradictorary, but I am having issues with her being the carrier. It isn't her DNA, although we do joke frequently about her and her mother not having prenatal care when she was pregnant with Dawn, it is just the choice to do it that gets my goose.

We started looking at donors and thinking about ttc in 2001, we finally tried in 2004 and I had a chemical pregnancy-boy do I hate that term. That freaked me out and I didn't want to try again, the disappointment was too much, I didn't want to go through it again. Now in 2006, we are getting older, and we kept saying the time wasn't right, but is there ever a right time? Other than shelter and a job that can pay the bills and let you live comfortably, what more do you need? When I am on my death bed, I want to recall memories with my loved ones, as cliche as it sounds, it's true, I don't want to recall all my accomplishments and accolades without people in them. I can't take my degrees with me when I die, but I could take my memories.

For so long now, it's I that would carry, I would use my egg and uterus to bring our child into this world. She had mentioned carrying but we didn't think it an option, hell I even questioned how serious she was about it, apparently she is serious and this is our option. I know it's sad and I am probably being pissy potty pants, but when you've planned on doing something for so long and now you can't it really bites.

I truly think infertility is worse than Cancer, at least for me, it is. Some Cancer patients would say oh no, you have to worry about yourself first, but although that is true, the way I look at it I am thinking of future me.

I am scared that I would love the baby less if it wasn't biologically mine, and I am also ashamed at the same time to admit that, how shallow can I be? I truly believe that genetics and DNA don't make up families, love does, but then why do I still feel this way? Is it natural or just selfish? I know I would nest as if I were carrying, I am already starting to envision the 4th bedroom as a nursery and thinking about the leave time and policies her company offers.

How would the roles in our relationship also change? As much as I hate labels, Dawn is the more butch one and I am the femme. I would need to do the household chores that she couldn't, running to the dump, cutting the grass, etc., I can handle that, however, I don't know if I could handle her running around in lavender and pink. Or some fu-fu pregnancy shit that is out there. I know this is cold, these thoughts are cold and obnixous, but I still have then and have to get them out, so thanks for listening.

Chemo or No Chemo?

2006-05-04T15:03:00.000-04:00

I just called Lisa at the Lombardi Cancer Center, and sort of what Dr. Marshall stated was accurate. If I go through with the study at Geogetown, which initially I was gun-ho for, then I will get 5FU, Leucovorin and Oxaliplatin, plus Avastin, if I am placed into that category, based on my tumor markers. If they test my tumor markers and I come back low risk, I may be placed into a category where they only monitor me, that isn't kosher with me, because I am stage II, meaning that there COULD be cancerous cells out there that are undetectable at the moment. The benefit of having this study done, is to save about 850 bucks and test my tissue to see if it has high or low tumor markers, talking with my genetic counselor, I could pay for this myself and it wouldn't be an issue, I could put it on the card or something. If I have this done and I am low risk, which is more a state of mind piece of information for me, then I wouldn't have chemo. My father had lung cancer, and didn't have any follow up chemotherapy and his came back. I think it's in my best interest to have at least some chemo. The Oxaliplatin is what messes up your fertility because it is more platinum based than the other ones which are low risk, besides Avastin, but if you combine enough low and med risk, you get high in my opinion.

If I go through with the study, it's the question of whether or not my insurance would pay for this, then it's the other question, of driving back up there two times every other week. I would have to go up there every other Monday, then back up there on Wednesday to have the pump discharged, because it is a clinical study, it would have to be discharged up there. Dr. Marshall stated it could be done at home by a home health nurse if my insurance paid for it.

I feel like the clinical trial is a risk for me, if I take part in this, the first thing to do would be to get my tumor markers sent off to get testing done, then I would have the mediport put in and go from there, the mediport has to be put in my chest wall regardless, I don't have an option of one going in my arm, or anything like that. They have only had males do the study, no females, so they don't know what the outcome on fertility is, or whether or not my period would resume. Dr. Marshall told me he had a few females in the study and they're periods resumed, was he talking about another study and getting it confused with mine? Or does he just want my input for the study? I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I have like 5 days to make this decision, I told Lisa I would call her tomorrow, to let her know, I am going to talk it over with a few people today and see what they think, I am also going to call my Oncologist down here and get their point of view, as well as their "official" treatment plan if I were to have the chemo down here.

To be continued..................

Catch-UP

2006-05-02T22:25:00.000-04:00

Ummm...where do I begin? I have been on STD(short term disability) now for a while, having had surgery on 3/27. Things are going a lot smoother than they were initially, I thought I was going to die and for a while there, I really wanted too.

I've lost a ton of weight and I am now down to about 150. I will most likely lose more once chemo starts, I will call the peeps at Lombardi tomorrow to see how things will go with getting my mediport put in, *a process I am not looking forward to* because my scar free exterior up top will now have at the very least two scars where the port is, not to mention it's another surgery to have it put in, another to have it removed, and possibly one more if this thing on the right doesn't clear up on it's own. Dawn goes to see Dr. Polko tomorrow so I will be asking about the right sided mass then.

The fam and friends came over on Sunday for a little get together, it was nice, good times, good times. We played cranium with the girls and a few friends, Patty and Debbie really enjoyed theirselves.

My father isn't doing too well, his last chemo treatment really affected him, he's been battling nausea, hair loss and chronic fatigue since he started, and he only had 21 hours of it, I am really wondering what it's going to be like for me with my 600 hours of it. I don't know if I will take the full cycle, I will try out the clinical trial period because hopefully the findings will benefits other people down the road.

I am a little less topsy turvy about the non-possibility of children. We found a donor at Fairfax Cryobank that sort of looks like me a little and I'm content with that. I was watching something on TV the other day and someone said, children are the ultimate immortaility, that is so true, that's what is so hard for me to let go of that possibility. CANCER FUCKING SUCKS.

Here's my letter to Cancer:

Dear Cancer,

Fuck Off!

Christy

Why couldn't you have invaded my body a few years down the road, when my massive life insurance, cancer insurance, and baby making days would have been good and done with? Why did you have to come now? Why ever?.......okay that's the pissy potty pants side of me.

This is the rational side of me:

I am thankful that it's only Stage II, that it didn't spread to any of the 16 lymph nodes and that they found it when they did, that I was able to have a total collectomy without severe complication or healing impairment. I am thankful to have my youth on my side through this healing process. I need to count my blessings.

Experience today:

Dawn stopped by Lowes to pay for someone to install our shower door in the master bathroom, since the plans of her and James doing this are now, null and void-long boring ass story, won't go there! I am sitting in the truck, balancing out the bills and writing myself a reminder list to do. I have the massive TI-85 calculator while doing so (important detail in this story), a very large fat bottom woman and her son comes out, their SUV is parked one empty spot away from ours, she starts yelling at her son as to why he can't put the merchandise they purchased correctly into the back of the SUV, I don't want to hear their biatchin, so I insert Prodigy and select track 5-smack my bitch up, and listen to that really loud-problem solved. Secondly, a white worker van comes up, pulls in beside me into the empty spot separating me from the bitchy people, I am still listening to my music minding my own bees wax when the black 40-something guy gets out and says, "Calculus is hard", I am thinking what? I turned off Prodigy and then said, huh? He repeats himself, then I am like, "uh, yeah". He goes in the store. 12 hours after Dawn has went in, she finally returns, and so does he a few minutes before her, she comes to the truck and says, did he try to pick you up? I said I don't know why, she said because he is starring at you, I look up and sure enough he was, I was like WTF? We drove off and that was that. I think I might put that on a shirt, "Calculus is hard".

Time to check out, I need to shower and go to bed with Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Hasta Beasta

Cancer Patient

2006-04-27T22:07:00.000-04:00

I now know what it feels like to be a cancer patient. Todays marks the 4th week anniversary of my surgery. I feel much better than I initially did, however, I finally found out what this irritating right sided pain was, I have a mass on my ovary, they think it's an ovarian cyst. It's larger than 5 cm. It's a pain in the ass, in 6 weeks I have to have another sono to see if it is still there, if it isn't then I need to have it surgically removed. It's been here for 6 weeks, I had this pain prior to surgery and everyone, including myself assumed it was the cancer, well it's not, or it could possibly be, what if my cancer started there and spread to my colon? I can't help but think and worry about that possibility. I better write more tomorrow because my ass is starting to get numb and my back hurts-constant reminders of the bullshit of this healing process.

Dawn

2006-03-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

This post is dedicated to my wonderful, loving, endlessly caring, tremendously giving partner, Dawn. I heart her so, she is so good to me. She truly is the love of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me, no matter how cliche it sounds. I wish everyone could find the kind of happiness I have with her, especially my nieces, Kasi, Shawna, Haley and Dawn.

I put a picture of mine truly so that you can relax in her hottness :).

Me

ChilDrEn, donors and sperm banks and oh yeah the EGGS!

2006-03-16T11:35:00.000-05:00

That's been the question that I've been thinking about for the past day or so, I think maybe my gyno visit might have sparked it off even more.

Dawn and I started looking at donors at Fairfax Cryobank around 2002, only 2 years after we were together, this October we will be together for 6 years. It's certainly a record for me, I usually want to trade them in at the five year mark. Dawn's different though. I totally HEART here.

When I got pregnant before, I felt like my life had ended and another's had began, that is was no longer about me, it was about IT, I didn't mind that feeling, it felt nice, but also helpless, that was only 2 years ago-almost, this coming December our child would be two. WOW, just thinking of it that way makes me really think about it more!

I talked with Ann yesterday, she and Cindy now are a family of four, Morgan is almost two months now. We talked about having children and she stated she thinks we should, a lot of people think we should. Dawn even thinks we should, she stated she could live without a child, and be happy with just us, but then in that sense it seems weird in one aspect. I think it's this American Dream bullshit, buy a house, have a family, live happily ever after babble that is encroached into our minds from birth.

I don't know if I could be happy without a child, I am not in the middle like Dawn. I am on one extreme or the other, I am kind of like that with everything actually, I am trying not to be, and have become nonchalant about a few things lately. I sort of feel like we've worked really hard to get where we are, to build this house, which everyday I love more and more and to be somewhat debt free. In one aspect I feel we should have a child, it would be awesome to raise a child with Dawn, then on the other side, I feel like let's live life a little more then have a child, but with my recent diagnosis, it's hard to think about the future long, long term-meaning greater than 5 years.

Right now, I just don't know about any of this.....

HPNCC and genetics

2006-03-15T23:37:00.000-05:00

So I went to Dr. John Marshall yesterday at Georgetown, we discussed the possibility of my having HPNCC and whether or not it was a 1 or 2, 1 being better at this point, 2 requiring a total hysterectomy as suggested treatment to ward off the possibility of ovarian/cervical or uterine cancer. I think I will pursue the idea.

Today, I went to get my blood checked and get procrit and stuff, but didn't need it, I then went to see my fabo Nurse Practioner for a pap smear, I was astounded to find out I had not had one since May 2004, that has me concerned....a little. She found numerous lumps all throughout my breasts, yes both of them, it's plural, and I have to get a mammogram next week, the 23rd. I am hoping for the best and expecting the best, if something less significant comes back, I will ulitmately be devestated and probably give up. Having one cancer is bad enough, more less two and at the same time!

Today Shawna and Mike broke up and then got back together, Haley and I had a civilized meaningful talk online and Dawn went to the Olive Garden with Dawn and myself, and paid for dinner, in return I got her junk at Walmart afterwards. However, Dawn found something in her lasanga, so WE ALL got free desserts which was very nice, I got the lemon cake, at 5.50 a slice I would have not have ordered it had it not been free, it was very good :).

I am getting my eating out, out, because after surgery I will be totally changed digestively speaking.

I took Dad to the store today, he is indeed an odd soul. I also requested additional Levaquin for him from CRC since he didn't do this himself and is still coughing up blood and sputum.

The Roomstore guy came over today and inspected the table and told me everything I already knew, then told me that they would be following up with us to deliver another table and take that one away, I am definitely going to try to get the delivery fee back for the inconvenience of this all, we shall see how that turns out.

I am tired, my knees hurt and I am cold.

God, I love Dawn, I hope that nothing is wrong with my breasts, I don't know what I will do...crack probably...suicide is out, insurance won't pay anything if I do that. I wish my mom was here with me, she'd comfort me the way only mothers know how to, I know she's here in spirit but I just wish I could smell and hug her one last time. I do miss her incredibly so, she truly was the wind beneath my wings and right now I could use some air.........

No title necessary

2006-03-13T22:16:00.000-05:00

I am having a better day today than I was before, actually it's been like 5 days straight that I haven't felt terrible. I have actually went places, and not just to the ever-ongoing doctor's appointments. I have one tomorrow in Georgetown to see the specialist, then Wednesday I have two, OBGYN and to get more iron, blood, and procrit and fluids. Wednesday will be busy, in addition to the two doctors appointments, I have another appt with the Roomstore to come out and look at our table in the formal LR.

Dawn is in the garage playing and having a ball. I've been online for the past two hours trying to get stuff done. We went and got our taxes done tonight, that wasn't painful at all, it was $145.00 mind you, but it wasn't painful. We are getting back twice as much as I thought we were, which is LOVELY!

I am having a lot of mixed emotions lately about everything that is going on with me and my life and how my life will change after surgery and how it will affect US. Dawn has been great through this whole process, I am so lucky and thankful to have her by my side. She truly is the definition of love. I heart her so.

My sister has been an off and on pain in the ass, telling me I am negative, to then telling me I am dealing with it well, how the hell does she know? I know she means well but it irks me to no end sometimes. My other sister is too high to worry about anything, she can't come off the meds or weed long enough to see the sunlight, however, she stated she will be there when I get operated on, then there are the nieces. I have to say I am really disappointed in them. I have given so much of my life to them, from when they were very small even until now. If any of them call me and need something I don't hesitate to drop what I am doing and help them. I've given them large amounts of money, helped them with their school work, went on field trips with them, hell I even let Shawna live with us. If they were in this situation I would check on them often, make an effort to spend more time with them, as if I don't already do that enough. Dawn has been good, she really has, she was very compassionate when she found out. Shawna didn't really say much other than that she was sorry and that Debbie told her. Haley said OMG. Since then I've seen and heard from Haley once and that was on the same day. Shawna doesn't talk to me unless she wants something, i.e. Verizon or take her to get her insurance renewed, of which I haven't done either. Dawn comes by occassionally and calls me to see how I am doing. These people are in our will, which has led me to think otherwise too. Freida always says Man will disappoint you time and time again, God won't. I truly believe that. She also said her pastor said, look at your life and the people that surround it in terms of addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. I feel like I add and they subtract for the most part. I am not saying that everything has to be about me, I am not trying to have a pity party with a large group of 1 mind you, but I am saying, if you were in this position, how would you want to be treated? I now, know, how it feels to be the patient and caregiver. I don't know which I prefer really, I guess the patient, I don't want to see anyone go through this, it sucks.

Surgery is March 27th, I am not scared of surgery, however, I am scared of recovery, or shall I say ancy. I fear the catherter, that thing is no joke. I don't want anyone touching my who-ha to do that. I hope I will heal very well and come home early, that would be nice. I am confident that surgery will go fine and I will be okay, but there is a little part of me that feels this could be it, that I will go to sleep and never wake up. It's very odd really, I don't know why I feel that way. I wonder if this would be harder to deal with if I didn't have Dawn. I don't want to do anything to hurt her.

I've realized that I really need to live life instead of thinking about living life. I am not so interested in pursuing a demanding and challenging career or going to Physicians Assistant school, granted that my experience now as a patient might make it more worth it, I just feel that my life has a mark on it now, that even though I will be cured from cancer now, it might come back, and I feel because of this, that my years are limited, and if not, definitely shortened. I want to go on a vacation with Dawn to NYC that we've been talking about for years, I want to buy something outrageous without over analyzing everything all the time, I want to write a book about this experience so that it might help someone else, I want to get involved in fund raising and awareness for this dreaded disease. I just want to live, because lately I feel like we haven't been very much with getting ready for the house and the move it seemed like we put everything on hold to accomplish that, well now we're here, what next? I don't want to "waste" time on a college degree, when I could be spending it living. If you had a life threatening disease, what would you want to do?

Children: I don't know how I feel about these anymore and whether or not we want or need one really. Dawn still does, I don't know, I think that I could be happy with just the two of us, she thinks it would be neat to have a child, if you have one you have to have two, so I don't really know about this, and if I did have one why would I want to bring them into this world with a possible genetic mutation? All this weighs on my mind, not heavily but it's there. Then if I have to go through chemo, that's another consideration, and blah blah blah.

It's time to get some work done for now.........

Shitty Day

2006-03-10T12:11:00.000-05:00

I am having a shitty day, not the worst day since 2/23, when I was diagnosed with well to moderately differientiated adenocarinoma, 3 cm in size in the right ascending colon near the cecum, where the ileum connects to the small intestine. My CEA levels were low, .2, my abd, pelvic and chest CT came back clear, so it looks like I caught this thing in time. I am thinking possibly it could be stage 1 or stage 0 even, in situ, which would be very lovely. I've been referred to a hematologist at Georgetown's Lombardi Cancer Center, and I can't seem to get a response out of them to get me a sooner appointment. I've seen the surgeon, Dr. Lee Smith at Washington Hospital Center that will be doing my surgery, the consult went well I thought, his bedside manner was crappy, he didn't seem to be much of a people person, but he seemed to know his stuff. His associate, Dr. Thomas Stahl is listed in a book I am reading, as well as this guy I am going to see at Georgetown, Dr. John Marshall. I go have my PetScan done next Monday, to rule out additional mestatistes and to see what staging the cancer is, if applicable.

D-day?

2006-02-21T22:44:00.000-05:00

Or should I say C-day? I had my scopes done today. I came awake on the table because they put too much air in my colon. The doc wouldn't specify whether or not it was Cancer, but he didn't say it wasn't. I am definitely losing the blood from that site though. A million and two things are running through my head......I am really freaking out here. We just got this big ass house, if I lose my job I lose my benefits, but there might be hope. I should be able to cobra my health and hopefully use my life insurance too. It will be about 400 a month, I don't care though, because I have no other choice. I just feel that no one really understands me or what I am going through, and not in the sense that I am the only one this has ever happened to. My sister says to me today, why you, not in the terrible, OMG way, why you, but she is looking at me as if I am doing something to cause this, something wretched, she is like you need to change your diet, I am like whatever, I eat fiber, I eat fast food, but I still eat lots of broccoli, which is a cancer deterent and look I may still have it. I am 29 and I MAY have cancer, that sucks, if it's true, even if it isn't I still have to have surgery to have my colon removed, at 29!

My main worry throughout this all, isn't dying or even cancer. It's Dawn. I worry about how she will cope and deal, what will I leave her with? Will she be able to afford it on her own, etc., that's what I worry about. People keep saying don't think the worst, uh, how can I not? My mom died of it, it's on the right side just like hers was, it's genetic, the doc ordered a CEA test on me, and wanted me to have an abd/pelvic ct right away-to see if anything spread, so how can I not worry? or think the worst?

I am really just ready for all this to be over with, I am going to bed for now.

Stomach's Calling....

2006-02-14T13:55:00.000-05:00

So I am sitting here, on my work email, even though I am on short term disabtility (STD). My stomach is making these odd noises, it's like personalized gas sounds, I feel like maybe I should record a CD? It's like a gurgling sound with bubbles, that's the best way to put it.

I went to the doc's yesterday, I don't know anymore today than I did yesterday, but my mind is at ease. I don't feel weel, my belly is crampy and I am distended. I have one week to go, if my sanity can hold it.

We have 3 days until we move, I am in shock at this point, when they*-DP and Dr. Kylie-look around they don't see what I do, I see odds and ends everywhere, cleaning that needs to be done, etc. Haley has bailed on me for Friday night, I am a little pissy about that. Dawn G will be helping us, so it will be just us girls, DP, me, Dawn G and Dr. Kylie to do the big move on Friday, problem is, I can't pick up stuff, I am not supposed to lift any heavy items, really anything past 10 pounds. I feel bad that I am feeling bad.

Dawn wants to go see the house this afternoon, that's all she ever wants to do, the novelty has warn off for me because I am ready to move in and stop seeing it. Fear and concern is starting to sit in about my job. I don't know if I will have one and unemployment looks like it is going to be coming to me closer I will definitely have to cobra some benefits, at 400 bucks a month, that's a nightmare, so I hope I can find something soon and that my health is good.

SNOW!

2006-02-12T00:41:00.000-05:00

I don't heart snow, it's nice and pretty and all, but it's messy and treacherous to drive in and it's cold when it snows.

We move in 5 days, I am the only one that cares to have a count down, I will be glad to have this move under our belt. The term must not get fired before I get laid off doesn't mean dope anymore. I just want to be able to cobra my benefits, because until I find out what "this" is in my bowel, I am going stir crazy. I have to wait until 2/21 to have the important test I need, my docs office never called me back on Friday, after leaving 5 combined messages between the PCP and the GI specialist. I've joined a colon cancer support group online, just in case. I need someone to talk to that is in the same shoes I am, I asked my sister what was her first instinct on all of this, she said she thought it sounded bad, which made me feel even worse. She told me that she would be by my side and we would get through this, because we have before, I held back tears as she said that and just thought without reply, well, the only time we've been through it is with our dead mother and ailing father, not good comparisons sis.

I am going to try and get some rest and not think about "things", tomorrow, if the snow permits, I plan to go to UUC on Chancellors, they're having a service specifically about gay and lesbian marriage, should be interesting.

Goodnight All

CaNcEr

2006-02-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

Cancer. If you look at the word, it doesn’t appear to be foul, dangerous, or even overbearing, but say it out loud, and it takes on a whole new stance. It becomes frightening, terrifying, mind-consuming and overbearing.

I have anemia. Friday, February 3, 2006. What they don’t know, is why I have it. I have lost so much blood, that I needed two blood transfusions, ironically, I was sent to OPIS, for a transfusion, I had to have two of them because I’d lost so much blood.

Now everything is going through my mind, especially when they say words like GI BLEEDING may be to cause, worst-possible cause scenario COLON CANCER, (see there’s that word again). I am trying not to think the worst, I am not of those people, that associate the big C with the big D, however, I am realistic, and having seen what my mother went through, I fear that almost as much as I fear the thought of myself having it.

Medicating my Medication..........

2006-01-31T12:52:00.000-05:00

I've decided the Paxil isn't working, I've not noticed a change, I still dread going into work. I still get upset stomaches, can't sleep at night, and dread Sunday evenings. The little timesheet fraud turned into a "misunderstanding", gotta love that. I've decided to stop taking it, I will tell the doctor things are going well, or maybe I won't. I can't have an orgasm, and further more I don't want to, which is weird for me/us. We usually at least try to do these things twice a week.

I am generally overwhelmed with the upcoming move too, not that Dawn isn't trying to help, she is, she is trying to get everything out of storage the next two days, without my asking, so that we can get our $143.00 back, which every little bit helps at this point, since I inevitably await the inevitable. She is taking two classes this semester, and doesn't learn as fast as I do, or write and one is sociology, so it takes her longer and I understand that, so I am trying to be patient, but the bulk to the nitty gritty stuff falls on me (i.e:

call the courthouse, find out the new tax rate for the new house and contact lender
contact lender and lock in rates for new loan product and chose new loan product
contact insurance agent and chose product
make sure appraisal gets faxed from lender to agent for homeowners policy
check contract regarding transfer and recordation taxes
contact utilities and transfer: Verizon, GMP, Gas, Water, SMECO
contact new owner, inform him of vacating date, arrange walk-through
yadda yadda, the list goes on, you get the just...

I am overwhelmed.

Then on top of it, stuff at work with the changeover of my direct position, and the new girl and then getting ready to go on leave for the big move and then the inevitable layout and job search which should be going on now but I don't have FUCKING time, and then school, and then my dad, and my niece and her job problems and then the cell phone problems which consume more of my time, now I just discovered my dog has blood in her eye, WTF? It just goes on and on, you get the just.

So I am just trying to get my point across here. Well I better get off here so I can start getting some of this shiat done!

I ran across an old poem I wrote on 7/6/02 I was feeling philo-something because look at this, but I like it!

2006-01-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

Snowflake, powder, cracker, honkey, these are the words that echo within my ears, why do you call me out of name, using my skin tone to blame? Carpet muncher, dyke, fur digger, butch, queer, bitch these words make my skin itch. Why do you label me with these phrases, collaborated by ignorance, stupidity and bliss, I thought this was a world where we could all exist. Yet, we still live in fear, so where do we go……go…..from here….? W e are technologically advanced to put a man on the moon, yet we haven’t perfected our own personal individualized tunes? Igonorance breeds fear, stop preaching to me with deaf ears and numb lips……….reach into your self, soul, and spirit, tell me why, where, and with what you feel it? Taught it at birth, learned it by sight, we have become strangers with fright, ……….the bottomline, when it comes down to it, why can’t I just be me? After all……. I …am..FREE.

For everything else......there's teaching cunninglingus

2006-01-19T20:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, somethings may require mastercard or visa, but for everything else, there's cunninglingus. That's what I am going to do, should the next contract fall through and unemployment strike me. I am going to hire Hug-n-Kiss to be my coordinator and we shall schedule sessions in the big CREME (no pun intended) basement and I will teach the ART of cunninglingus.

Paxil CR...Anyone?

2006-01-18T16:46:00.000-05:00

I am trying to reach anybody....anybody on the PAXIL CR team? That's the new side dish to my prescribed entree this week. I went to the primary doc today, if things don't get better in two weeks, I am going to be on STD soon. I am taking like 10 freakin pills a day, I mean really, c'mon now. I am 28, whatever!

She told me to take a week off, I told her I couldn't because of "work", I had to get back today because I had to go on base, and drop off certificates, I had a classified package to prepare, FedEx labels to do, even though I gave Miss Dance Party USA with a love bite on her neck, I tries to hide mines at least, and of course Colt Sever and Tom Selleck needed to get into the back offices. Then timecop needed to know whether or not I let Tom Selleck into one of the back offices, when he has a damn key, why does it matter, is he the lock door cop now?

I am feeling a little less stressed today.

Work sucks.............and I need a LARGE hose.....

2006-01-17T18:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it really does suck...my blood pressure is up, today I was near tears and that isn't me. I have come to hate my job.......really. Not all of my job, just the part that deals with the OH function, with Tom Seleck look alike and Colt Sever-ex seal, it really pisses me off how rumblestils-can'tspellthisshit-generalmanagerofdivision won't take initiative and do anything either, or how about Mister I am in Happy Retirement Hurricane Central Now and no one can touch me and I don't ever have to commute again? How about having some balls instead of itching them and doing something about something for a change? I guess he served his country and his time and commuted enough and doesn't give a ratz ass about this or his people enough to even inform his customer of the low or the high of what's up or not? Not to forget now the timecop of the office, who asked me how I was doing on this fine day, and I said well any day above ground is better than one below it and he just looked at me and said uh well yeah.

I am sick of putting forth the effort, the excess hours, lying on my timesheet because "it won't work or it will mess me up"-how the fuck does that happen you have an MBA? I don't even have an AA and I can do the math even with a D in bra size! Not being able to get away from the office, being the metrosexual Jill and Jack of all trades when I am just the FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL of the office. Christy, penny henny the ceiling's failing, we're out of nestea lemon, we're out of color toner, we need to get into Barbara's old office when you get a chance-here's a thought, call Barbara and ask her, or how come, Barbara left, then it was Freida's office, but you refer to it as Barbara's office and not Freida's office huh Tom Seleck look-a-like? Oh yes, Tom Seleck stated you could order me Sony 90-minute casette tapes for dictation, okay, well CE doesn't have Sony tapes, are Maxwell okay? Also, do you want the mini tapes or standard size, Actual Response: Geez, any brand is fine and standard size of course. Well if any brand is fucking fine why did you put down Sony then Miss Dance Party USA? Oh and let's have a CHRISTmas party and have CHRISTY do all the work in preparation for it, she'll buy the turkeys and hams and all the lalalalala and then Tom Seleck will complain that we're not starting until the end of the day, rather than at the beginning of the day near lunch time like everyone else, but he won't come up with recommendations or even send his dish, as requested by Christy to Christy so that we won't have duplicates, instead he will just bring one in, PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET TOM!
I like my PM a lot, I really do, but I had to call HR today, I felt it was my only option to see a little bit of light at the tunnel, little did I know it was the director of human relations, sweet! Hopefully something will happen and I told her I didn't want any retailation of any kind, that looks like a retail word rather than the one I am trying to spell, but anywho.

DP is at the gym, good for her, I took my muscle relaxers as prescribed by my doc, my other antinflammatories for my 4512.00 teeth and I am feeling better than I did today. I had tight muscles in my neck and shoulders and my head was throbbing by the time I left work today. I am listening to bittersweet symphony now.

Being in this position has really made me think about what I want out of life in general, career wise, and in general. I wonder if I were with a different company, under different circumstances, would I feel differently? Point being=I don't ever want a stressful position again in my life, I want the less stress position now, and that's not me, that's what is weird about the whole thing, I am not like that. I am into the high beat and tight strung of stuff, I do better under pressure in school and under deadlines, I think maybe the mismanagement and poor training of this position, in addition to the lack of support from corporate has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. In one hand, given the situation all over again, I could have tried different things, and random thoughts are running through my head now about how to make improvements on things and millions of other To Do's that I still have yet to get to with this position, however, I just didn't have the time, even when F was there, I was doing the primary function of everything. I think in the beginning I didn't let my life get involved, then in the middle I saw life and near the end I wanted live and I think that has been the demise of the position and why I want out. In one way I feel like I have failed, but in another way I feel like they have failed me, since they are upper management with more experience, etc., they didn't analyze the reprocussions of their decision, they were simply looking at the bottomline without thinking...I can just put this behind me as a learning experience and know better next time. I told F from the beginning I thought that it was a bigger bite than we could chew, and the "what-if's" seemed to be a greater risk than anything, but I did get a raise that I was owed for a few years out of it...finally! So all isn't lost...now if we can just win the next contract, so I can continue to utilize the time with the company, finish my degree, grow my retirement, use their benefits to purchase sperm and get pregnant, and of course get my ESOP!

Rambling and such

2006-01-07T13:50:00.000-05:00

Okay, so now it's January, today, we're going to DP's holiday party for her work. It should be much fun. The new house is coming along nicely, we've had some things pop up, like one of the contractors writing "Brian is Gay" on one of the beams to tease one of his other co-workers, it was very interesting to say the least when I confronted "Brian" about the writing and then told the builder what was going on, they didn't seem to see my point, nor do anything about it, until I put it into "heterosexual" terms. They still didn't do anything about it. The sliding is up and the paint in going on inside, I can't wait to move. The fucking neighbors are crazy. Mike is getting worse. I think he just got out of the hospital. I feel for people that are clincially crazy, but this kid really needs to go, his issues shouldn't become my subscription. Thursday, I come home and the cops are all in the driveway, he allegedly keyed our neighbors car and her boyfriends truck, then when mini goes to work Friday, she calls me and states that she thinks he keyed her car too and I look closer and discover our purple car has been keyed too. I haven't filed a police report yet. Our neighbor stated that the parents offered to pay for the damage done to her and her boyfriends vehicles, if that isn't an admittance of quilt I don't know what is. I am sick of these people. I am sick of having my visitors worry about their son lurking around when they leave, and how he roams the neighborhood at 5 am in the morning, we're talking about a 20+year old here. They've been nothing but trouble since we moved in, not even a year ago here. The neighbors around here won't unite and do anything though, they don't have enough balls to do any damn thing.
I am still in my position at work, nothing changing their, except when they did solicit my position, I did realize how underpaid I was, by about 20K actually, everyone coming in are asking for that much more than I make at least, my immediate bosses are aware of it but can't do anything since it is 1/2 OH and 1/2 direct labor. I will be glad when I am back into my direct position. I will be glad when we move and are into our new house, and find out whether or not our contract gets renewed so I know whether or not I have a job past April with this company. Gotta go do DP's hair and she says I won't be ready in time....

Random Thoughts..........

2005-11-14T16:40:00.000-05:00

So it's mid-November, and by that I mean, November 14th. I have requested to be placed back into my full time position at work, I am sick of all the BS associated with this other position of the mirad of duties that I have to achieve within my 8 hour day while getting in my two 15 minute breaks as prescribed by the Department of Labor, Licensing and Regulation, when in fact, I don't even have time to go to the fucking bathroom.

That's all for now :)

Letter to My Dead Mother......

2005-07-25T21:52:00.000-04:00

If I could write a letter to my dead mother, which I guess theoretically I could, nothing is stopping me, it would go like this:

Dear Mom,

I am sick of this family. Your two oldest children are the equivalent to the Witches of Eastwick in a bad way. I am sick of Patty telling me things she doesn't remember, selectively, and Debbie, letting her husband brainwash her beyond everything. Dad is coughing up blood, we go see the doc tomorrow, the doc called me Thursday, I called Patty to give her a courtesy call to tell her that we're going tomorrow, and she proceeded to tell me that she doesn't think I should be calling the doc's office to find out what's up with Dad, that the doc should be calling Dad directly, I will totally brief Dad on the situation tomorrow. I am totally pissed about this, because Hello! Dad kept it from us last time for six weeks, I don't want a repeat case of that, that is for sure. She told me that I shouldn't tell Dad anything, I should let the doctor tell Dad because I am not qualified to tell Dad anything. Whatever PATTY. I am just stating the same thing the doc told me. I told her today, I didn't see her pitching in to help out with anything, she doesn't order his medical supplies, or take off to take him to his medical appointments, or deal with his ostomy stuff, or with his DMV stuff, or anything neither does Debbie. They think it may possibly be Cancer again, but they're not for sure, he will have to have an outpatient biospy bronchoscopy, we will find out more tomorrow.

Work is shit. Freida is leaving and so is Danny. I love the company and the benefits, need to stay at the job for the salary and the benefits, so I can take advantage of the benefits and use that 10K in fertility treatment . I am so stressed, with Dad, the new house we're building, the house we need to sell, my full time job and it's 9 million duties, my part time job, and everything else that I feel like I am going to crack. I don't even want to go in tomorrow. I am also having some type of pelvic pain and abnormal discharge.

Gosh Mom, I wish you were still here, I would love to see you again.

Maintenance Venting

2005-05-20T23:01:00.000-04:00

Ahem, TGIF or not, I am glad it's here. I stayed late at work again today, although it truly was my day off, F was supposed to be there and she came in, at 10 and left at 12. I talked with the PM's about the new possibility of the new contract, it's 50/50 regardless of how I slice it.

I talked to DP today about all these "reoccuring" issues we seem to be having, I'm stressed about equity growth in our townhouse because we will need that $ in order to get our next house-of which we're still waiting on the freakin' woman to contact us to write a contract :(. As usual, DP's response is, "Everything will work out". I am spastically sitting across from the table as she says that trying to maintain composure.....what if it isn't fine? What if I lose my job and it takes me forever and a year to find another one, and we can't get the house, we have to put off ttc even longer (I swear my eggs are shrievling up and dying as I type this, they've packed their bags and are heading elsewhere, where reproduction is more possible) and the development of our education-i.e. continuing and finishing our degrees. I need to stop stressing, what is the worse that could happen? I could lose my job and we couldn't get the house and ttc could be put off for a few more years-as my mother would say anyday above ground is better than one below it-unfortunately with her gone, I should realize that even more. I just hate the fact that all the major decisions are left up to me, have I set myself up for this? Would I like it any other way? I don't really know!?!

Kasi came over today and I helped her out with her announcements for graduation, the money she is making is burning a hole in her pocket and she jokingly almost called me a daughter of a bitch or something of that nature, I told her to watch it, she realized she was wrong. I took Mini to Verizon today to get put on our cell plan, this works well for all parties involved. I explained to her that I will not hesitate to take her off the plan should she not abide by the rules-and not run the damn bill up to $400+ a month. It's surreal to me that all the nieces are almost graduated, odd really.

DP's asleep now and it's only a little after 11 on a Friday night. I wish I could figure out how to put pics on here or something like that, if this site was more like a Xanga or a MySpace I could put music on it too, but then Mini would figure out where I was and read my stuff, I would rather have strangers read it, hence posting it here.

Well I shall go now and take a hot relaxing shower then off to beddy-by for me, or at least off to, laying in bed thinking until my brain falls asleep and my body follows after.......

At Work........Ugh!

2005-05-19T19:06:00.000-04:00

So here it is, Thursday at 7:07 pm and I am still at work, damn monthly progress reports! UgH!!! I did goof off a lot today though. I have to come in tomorrow too, so much for my CWS tomorrow :0( I am skipping the gym today and threw WW out the window today, I got off to a good start, but just didn't finish with one :). My boss offered to buy me lunch at McDonalds so I had that, big mac attack, but I relentlessly needed it. I was proud of myself for going to the gym two whole days in a row, not much to some, but a milestone for me and not to mention that I ran 7 minutes, 30 seconds without stopping. Okay for now, I have to get back to work, DP just called, she wanted to know if I wanted her to go home and cook dinner at this time of night, then go to the gym....uh....yeah hi! I don't think so I told her, kind of senseless to cook stuff this time of night I told her, her class ended tonight, so hopefully she will be able to help out more around the house and get more involved with us, so I don't feel like an "I" instead of a "We" or "Us".
Oh, and big sister D called, crying to my niece about the problems with her husband, I wish my sister would just realize what a dip that man is and leave already! Calling her daughter upset over stupid stuff isn't going to help anyone, especially Mini-Me (Shawna-the niece).
Big Sister P is supposed to be checking into stuff for Dad's 70th surprise bday party, why is it that I always have to call her for an update? I told her that once this whole thing is over with for my father's party that I will not be contacting her, I am sick of always making the effort, she gives me this shiat about DNA and family and all this crap. I told her that family is what you make of it, and that because there is an age difference of 12 and 13 years between me and them (the older siblings) I've always felt like an only child. She then proceeds to tell me that she called all of Dad's siblings to let them know that Dawn (DP) would be coming to the party too, interesting I said, I said why did you do that, she said well, I wanted them to not be surprised by her being there, you know with the race issue! THis is where I try to come through the phone at her and am holding back tears of frustration. I told her I realize they're racist, but you literally made it an issue before it became one, now we're going to be walking in there with bullet proof vests on already. I told her I didn't care, regardless of who says it, if anything is said I will not hold back, I will give them a piece of my mind. She needs a reality check, I swear sometimes I am not related to these people I can't be.....well I should get some work done huh?

DP's Asleep.......yet again

2005-05-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

Granted I realize and know that not everyone is a freakin night owl like I am, but here we are same soup different bowl. We were watching a movie and guess what, as usual she falls asleep. I am sick of it, I am sick of doing everything, I am sick of always being here alone too. I really question whether or not I want to be in *this* relationship. I am going to bed now, lots of stuff to do at work tomorrow.